Siaoness...That's what I have, what i own....

2009-11-10T09:40:00.002+08:00

moved temporarily to another 'home' @ janeloke.posterous.com. ahha..i *might* move back to blogspot home. =p

Yes, i m slightly bored.

Note: slightly

Off to work, tata!

2009-10-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

It is finished =)

Time flies. i still recall how i first arrived in Melbourne.
And now, i have submitted my thesis. I can't believe it. Jane Loke actually managed to write and submit a thesis. a research thesis.

I really couldn't have done it without God. From the time He opened this opportunity for me to study in monash clayton, to the date i submitted the thesis, it is a miracle.

I reflected. He has brought me so far. He has been so faithful in my life, eventhough i may not be that faithful. Step by step, He spurs me on. He has never given up on me. He is my God, my love.

Who would ever thought that Jane could do AND finish Honours? Personally, I m not academically talented. I'm blur (well, most of the time) and slow. I wouldnt consider myself a very hard working person, nor do i consider myself a brilliant girl.

But i am God's princess.

I've learnt to set aside what ppl might think of me (failing badly still). I've learnt tht with God, and the tenacity to perform, miracles happen. I've learnt that patience comes with a price. I've learnt that perseverance must finish its work. I've learnt the challenge to give my best shot.

I've learnt that the ultimate goal is not achieving the scholarship, but to obtain something more valuable..
Character.

What is it to me tht if i get the scholarship, but have not learnt patience?
or what is it to me tht if i get the grades i want, but have not learnt to have joy as my strength?

Though yes, i really do hope and pray tht i can get the scholarship. i really do.
I have my plans laid out, sorta, and there's no plan B in it.
Meanwhile, i m looking for jobs. No good news so far, but it's not the end of the world.

but GOd is still good =)

Anyway, having said all these, i really do wanna thank a lot of u, for helping and supporting me this year. For the countless encouragements through sms-es/email/phone calls/stay overs, for the meal and dessert deliveries when i m stressed or ill, for the prayers, for the unwavering supports, for the trust and confidence in me, for the consoling moments when i didnt do as well, for the time taken jsut to be there for me (esp durin my final thesis talk), for the virtual late nites company, for the acts of services such as cooking dinner for me, for the gifts to encourage me, and also for the genuine love-me-for-who-i-am towards me.

Thank you. =) You dont know how much you have contributed.

2009-10-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

I know i m not suppose to blog, but i m giving myself a break tonight, becausee.......

I'm done with presentations for Honours!! *woohoo~*

Overall, i think i did pretty ok. Wished i have stumbled less, but it's over. Praise GOd that i knew how to tackle the questions, and also how He placed the right ppl at the right time to guide me. ALso praise GOd tht my voice is back! =)

Another thing that really helped calm my nerves down, was the presence of familiar faces in the pool of audience. Apart from my lab colleagues, Megan, Mei, Jin Tat, Swee and Jon Chua were there to support me. So, when i felt nervous during my talk, i looked at them, and they gave me a smile (as compared to the other blank/serious face). Wow..tht really encouraged me to move on. So to you guys, thank you so much for being there. =) I reALLY appreciate it, and especially to Jin Tat and Megan, who actually sat thru almost the whole session of the Honours talk, just so tht u get the chance to talk to me after everything was done. Thank you =0)

Thank you to those who texted me to wish me all the best. Though i did not reply to all (cuz credit kinda bursted as well), but i realy appreciate the support and prayer.

Had a good break during the nite after presentation. Mao's Last Dancer Movie was fantastic! =D

So now, my final hurdle is the thesis itself. =) full on after my sleep tonight.
HOoorah~!! I want to finish it well.

2009-10-04T20:05:00.003+08:00

ok...

On facebook fast, outing/entertainment fast (unless urgent or necessary), blog fast, msn fast till 26 october.

last lap. gonna run this 3-weeks section of my last student race with all of my heart.....with God. =)

till then, take care! i m still contact-able via phone and email.

See u on 26oct.

2009-10-04T16:09:00.002+08:00

i know. Another post. i m kinda avoiding work for a while.

how often do u get a quiet sunday evening all to yourself , with home cook noodle soup , and saxaphone music..
not to mention a puuuuurfect weather?

*smiles*
Ah...Refreshing-lah.

Yes, getting back to work, and my second helping of noodle soup! =D

Maybe teh tarik later.

now...if only my 'work' can turn to leisure reading.

2009-10-04T14:08:00.002+08:00

Urgency of time and the warning tht life is VERY unpredictable and short is getting into me even more.
Been hearing how ppl died in their sleep, or collapsed, or car accident, etc...

Every night, i have this thought that goes -'what if i'm not able to wake up tmr?'

Morbid i know, but i cant guarantee that i will be alive the next day.
Will i be able to face God? Am i ready?

Or if i were to turn it around - "will i see my family/friends again the next day?''

I wake up, thanking God tht i m alive each day.
Thanking God tht i have some work to do.
Thanking God that I still have my family and friends.

The more i thank Him, the more i cherish them. Probably won't have the chance to say 'i love u' to each one of them, but i will try when opportunities arise.

And a good reminder from Kelvin today was - Things done for self satisfaction will fade away, but things done for Christ will last.

Are we/Am I making a lasting impact, or a fading effect on this earth?

2009-10-03T21:39:00.003+08:00

I'm tired, but I'm just gonna keep walking with You...

Footprints in the sand - Leona Lewis

2009-10-02T18:07:00.002+08:00

" I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. SO when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep."

John 10: 11-13

I m beginning to understand what Ps Ryan meant when he said setting aside self preferences, for His kingdom. It's another aspect of laying down our life for the people. I'm also beginning to feel the tugging even more when i need to choose against my will/preference.

I do cry, i do struggle, even for the tiniest of decisions. I dont know whether the choices i made were just to meet ppl's expectations, or is it a decision tht i made it from my heart. I cry when i fail. I cry when i have to give up. I cry when ppl hint to me tht i shud make my priorities right. How much is enough? To what extent that this is required of me?

I dont want to do what i do just to meet up ppl's expectations. But where do i start?

So do i start from love? but it takes time!

but there's no time to waste. The 'wolf' is out there , roaming, and he's moving faster than us.

I dont want to stand before God, and account to Him tht because of my own preferences, i have neglected this this this..

I dont want to be a hired man, tht does the work of God for the sake of His blessings.

"So what can i say
What can i do
But to offer this heart of mine, completely to you."

2009-09-28T11:37:00.002+08:00

ah...decided to stay home.

Woke up relatively late, and then found ants parading around and ON my bed. So, decided to have a quick spring clean just to clear the room , and hopefully to find the home base of the ants.

Nope..couldnt find.

Then i went to the bathroom, more ants.
....to the kitchen, more MORE ants.

Joab said i can open an ant lab already. anyone would like to fund me?

=.=

After cleaning a bit here and there , and to shower (hopefully to wash off any ants on my body), i decided to stay home and do write up.

I officially have less than one month.

hoorah!

on a brighter note, CONGRATULATIONS to Ian and Ivy!! =) Your union is a masterpiece of God! Definitely one of the most enjoyable weddings i've ever been to.

2009-09-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

Now i know why we were meant to eat in Nandos despite the rain...

so that we could witness this beauty!!!!!

I've never seen such a bright rainbow before!!

Rainbows only appear when skies are gloomy.
Two thoughts:
1) our true colours show when we are at our gloomiest.
2) God's promises are the brightesdt when things seem gloomy.

So if ur day is gloomy, allow the rainbow to show its beautiful colour =)

...the rainbow in the sky to show God's promises are true.

2009-09-23T11:53:00.003+08:00

At tht moment, i really wanted to find a hole to hide myself. It was humiliating, embarassing.

How many more humble pies would i need to swallow?!?!??!?!
How many more STUPID mistakes will i make to make one thing right?

i've literally lost almost all my self confidence.

Even with wat i m good at, i m not so sure whether am i good at it anymore.

How broken do u want me to be?

2009-09-16T18:36:00.003+08:00

Something doesn't make sense in this picture. Can YOU point it out?? =p hahaha...

finally found these pictures in my photobucket. i thought i lost them.

2009-09-12T21:21:00.002+08:00

My heart aches when i know someone is gradually straying away. I don't know what would be the right question to ask, or the right words to speak, cuz i don't have the right to speak into his/her life. All i could utter was : 'okaye, up to you'.

It's a slow fade...

Been slightly discouraged this week by what was spoken or hinted. Actually, sort of guessed it was coming, knowing my progress and performance. And the gently poke from God saying : 'rely on Me. Don't do it with ur own strength.'

I don't know how to differentiate between own strength and relying on Him anymore.

'halo ar Jane, this is bad!'

I get envious of ppl who has the 'gift' of turning almost everything they touch into gold. I meant it figuratively of course. Not to say they don't work hard for it. A lot of us work hard too, but sometimes even with the same effort, we may not get the same result. Maybe i m just using tht as an excuse. maybe i *think* i work as hard, but in actual fact no.

I ain't giving up. God encouraged me yesterday by just showing me 1 sec glimpse of His glory. it's really a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of an iceberg. At the same time, Ps Brandon paused in the middle of his prayer, and the moment was such a holy moment. I knew, God is with me. He is. He will not leave me nor forsake me.

Swee reminded me that at the end of the day, success is not determined by external achievements, but it is determined by our character, whether did we learn perseverence when pressure increases, whether did we have patience when everything seems to fail, whether did we increase our reliance on Him when we meet our dead end, and so on.. Did we 'successfully' allow God to refine our character thru the process of striving for something? Ultimately, character is what will last, not the externals. So whether i obtain this or that, tht's secondary.

What a revelation! At least it clears my question about how to rely on God. =p i deserve a whack.

2009-09-09T22:14:00.002+08:00

You said : "I'll never let you go"
that made me smile unknowingly.. =)

2009-09-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

I listened to my own conversation with ppl, and i thought..

'wow Jane, you have become so negative and judgemental'

Yeah, i have. My habit of being positive somehow is being taken over by negativity. It's yucks. I don;t like it, yet i dont know why i have conformed to such attitude. =/ what makes it worst is tht i judge not only myself, but i'm beginning to judge other ppl too quickly, too often as well.

A shift of mindset is needed to be done before i become a monster.

2009-09-02T08:02:00.000+08:00

On my knees - Jaci Velasquez

There are days when I feel
The best of me is ready to begin.
Then therere days when I feel
Im letting go and soaring on the wind.
cause Ive learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
When Im on my knees.

I can be in a crowd
Or by myself, in almost anywhere
When I feel theres a need
To talk with god; he is our emmanuel.
When I close my eyes no darkness there,
Theres only light.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When Im on my knees.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
When Im on my oh, when Im on my,
When Im on my knees.

2009-08-27T21:29:00.002+08:00

Joke of the day (from msia):

Jane : (stares at a car sticker infront) huh? Press for freedom??
Tian Xiong: Yeah, the car sticker says 'press for freedom'.
Jane: Press what? press what for freedom? it didn't say.
Tian Xiong: *burst out laughing* It's like 'push to open', and u are asking 'push what?'
Jane: OH..now i get it. =.=

ta-da..

it must have been the fastest 5 days i have ever felt.
When i woke up this morning, it felt as though i had a long dream.. a long sweet dream.

HOme was great. no other words to describe.
the fellowship, the fun, the food.
and of course, the usual lame jokes tht gets us going all the time.
Our usual food time, lepak-ing from one restaurant to another, thinking of ways to get 'free' meal (which we did!), etc..

the meet up with Iris and Si Qin was refreshing too! (not to mention a treat from them =p)
Just the expression from Si Qin's surprised reaction was good enough to make my surprised visit worth it. ahhaha..
Coffee always brings our inner thoughts out aye?
Though we don't serve in the same ministry anymore, yet God is evidently working in our individual lives in a unique way. Iris being the youth advisor , and Si Qin being the prayer warrior for her church. It's good.
What made it even more special is tht we bear each other's burden. Never alone.
And not to mention sometimes with our girly conversations added.

Now, back from holiday. It's not really a long way more to finish but i have lots more to do. So , pressing on!

I will see all of u again. Please take care! =)

2009-08-20T23:39:00.003+08:00

I wonder..

what's the definition of 'commitment'?
If we truly know what it means to commit, we won't give it up when the rubber hits the road.

I'm just disappointed about things tht has been happening to ppl. I know stuff happens, but i didnt quite see this coming. I m at lost for words of comfort. I feel helpless when i know there's nothing much that can be done.

Will my view of things/ppl change? it may. it may not. i guess it depends. No matter how hard i try to be non-bias, i can't help but have a different view from now onwards.

Well, to be divine is God, to err is human.
We make mistakes.

...somehow i don't think tht's a valid excuse. hrm.

2009-08-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

nyeks.

I so missed the deadline to apply for graduation. hrm.
My fault for not taking note of the date.

ah well... look on the bright side. i save money. =p
the bad side would be, i missed the chance to experience graduation in clayton campus. hrm.

suan le ba.

2009-08-15T22:33:00.002+08:00

I feel refreshed. God's divine appointment is always... timely.

My short city trip became a long one.
It was supposed to be a short catch up with ann nyee and Jovial. But plans changed.
Ann Nyee was mentioning that she's going to church, and she asked whether do i wanna come along.
I've always wanted to visit Richmond AOG (or now known as Bridge Church), but never got the chance to cuz its in the city, and Ann Nyee always attend the sunday service, so i couldnt go with her.
and today, of all days, she told me her CG and a few others are visiting the saturday service.
So..my once in a blue moon chance! hhaha..=)

I had a great time! Got to meet really cool people (and musicians) whom i could click with so easily. Joined them for dinner and dessert and it was just a good time for me to chill and share (yes, and i didnt know there's such thing as Art therapy). =p Plus, i got to hear a great testimony from the person who drove me home.

Good escapism break aye?

Thanks Ann Nyee, and Calvin , for introducing ur great bunch of ppl to me. I had fun. Reminds me of CC days. Ann Nyee and JOvial, if u guys are reading this, i was encouraged by ur sharing today. Two awesome CG leaders with great passion for God. keep it up girls! =)

Had some afterthoughts, and what if(s). but i guess God has His own reasons and timing for things. I believe that i am where i am is not by accident, but for a purpose. So i m grateful to be where i am now. =p

ahh..i shud stop taking breaks. like seriously. Work's undone.

2009-08-14T21:14:00.004+08:00

Argh!

i m losing patience. or already lost it.
Sorry, if i sound mean or too straight forward. but i have no more patience to come down to ur level and layan nonsense at this time.

urgh. does it spell 'bully me' on my fore head?!?!?

maybe i shall learn to ignore to safeguard myself from being a monster and say things i regret later.

*runs to hiding place*

bye.

2009-08-13T23:18:00.003+08:00

GOd is So good.

I think today is one of those days where I m left in awe of what has happened throughout the day.

Day ended pretty well with LifeGroup. As i reflected on this whole year and the people that are with us today, i cannot boast that it is the work of our hands, because its so clear tht it is God's hand at work. How God promotes growth, not only in quantity, but in quality. Ppl get saved, ppl are getting hungrier for more of Him, to know His word more, ppl are starting to catch the vision, ppl are starting to reach out, ppl are starting to take on more roles, ppl are having breakthroughs, ppl are getting answers from God, etc..

i mean, wow! Man definitely cant bring such conviction, only God can.

Only God.

And truly, this Sci/Arts LG belongs to Him. When He is in control, He will do great and mighty things through this group.

And God just reminded me of my prayer to Him once, and He just said : "Jane, open ur eyes and look, u r *in* it now. There's more, and for you to see/experience more, our intimacy needs to grow even more, so that you will have the capacity to do even more for me."

The two words for this week, are 'more' and 'intimacy'.

Yes, the song 'more to see' was stuck in my head for the whole of yday. =p

SO yesh. =) Find us faithful, o Lord.

2009-08-12T21:00:00.003+08:00

I dont know whether is it a good thing that i am shifting from a 'Barnabas' to a 'Paul'.

Lately, i realise can't tolerate any nonsense/immaturity anymore. I dont have the patience to go to the level where it requires me to tolerate all these things. When i want something done, i no longer want to ask in a butter-up way, but get straight to the point. yes or no. No maybe.

Probably tht's why i get frustrated with myself quite easily lately cuz i tend to be a 'maybe' person.

I m turning into a task oriented person. a 'dont-give-me-nonsense-answer' person. I m losing patience from trying to understand people's point of view and comfort myself tht maybe they are having a hard time thus not being able to do this this this.

I m turning from 'oh its okaye..if u cant do it, i'll do it for u' to 'i need this by next week pls, thank u'.

and, 'if i can do it, why can't u?'

Ah Jane...where's ur lovE?

Hrm. i've got the pencil but i dont know to draw the line between the two.

in times like these, i always thank God for my shepherd, a leader of mine, and my best friend, who acts as my conscience and to keep me sane. =)

On another note,

To tht special someone who's flying off to USA tmr night,
Thanks for calling me to have a short chat a night before ur flight.
Thanks for hearing me tho i know i shud ask u 'how are u feeling'.
Thanks for missing me =p

I know this is quite duh as i m not there to see u off also, but i will miss u!
Take care,and have the time of ur life..but also rmbr the promise u made to me =0) i will always remind u.

Be good, be beautiful, and smile =)

Wishin u all the best, and whenevr u r down, rmbr, God is with u, all the time. call to Him, and He will answer u =0)

p/s: i hope to go to USA to find u one day.

Psssst.. i m waiting for a time where we can be as silly as we want again. So, make sure u take care of urself! i dont care. =p

2009-08-11T23:20:00.002+08:00

Learning to be secure in God, will ultimately lead to being secure in self.
Cliche as a theory, but tough as a hands on.

To be able to be confident while waiting and not take things into our own hands,
tht's security.
To be able to rest in the Lord when things doesn't seem right,
tht's security.
To be able to release and not take it back in our own ways,
tht's security.
To be able to say 'God i trust You', and be joyful in circumstances,
tht's security.
To be able to be open, and not be selfish,
tht's security.
To be able to give, and not expecting anything in return,
tht's security.
To be able to hold back, and not do something out of God's timing,
tht's security.
To be able to wait, and not cheapen the process by trying to solve the problem,
tht's security.

As i continue to see, read , and hear about 'it/them' , my human nature screams for a reaction.
My human nature screams why am i not doing something about it.
..or why am i allowing others to go ahead, but not myself?
..or why am i the only one that needs to restrain while others don't need to?

Clearly because, God told me not to.

Lesson 101 on security: -
Be secure in God and believe He will make your path straight, not by human effort, but by His divine timing & power.

2009-08-05T22:50:00.001+08:00

on a random note....

i feel like having curls again... hrm.

2009-08-05T20:34:00.002+08:00

It's getting narrower..

Temptations.Studies.Issues.Characters.Lives.Desires.

Fleeing.Working.Dealing.Enduring.Imparting.Laying.

Is it gonna get narrower??
How long? How much?

I'm afraid i might snap soon. but i can't. If i do, all that i have built will amount to nothing. We live in a society that will concentrate only on the negative side of things/people, but so easily forget the positive acts that were done before. It's scary. One wrong move, and all the good deeds will be forgotten. A scar that ruins everything.

and not to mention ants. Imagine a day spent studying, looking at flies, and i come home only to find colonies of different kind of insect scattering around the kitchen and bathroom.It's tiring.

I need to find my 'staff' tht will part the red sea.
I need to find my sling and stone that will defeat the giant.
I need to do my '7 rounds of walking' to bring the walls of jericho down.
I need to find my 'three hundred sized army' to defeat the thousands of enemies.

lastly, i need to choose the narrow road tht will lead me to the 'promise land'.

2009-08-01T19:07:00.003+08:00

Is there not a CAUSE?

C.A.U.S.E used to stand for Campus And University Student Exploration in 2006 , a rally that campus city did, or rather, a season that we went through. Occassionally, i still do recall the memories, and the things we do which represented our outflow of passion for campus students.

Now, the present, we still have a cause. The cause still needs to be achieved. To each, the cause may be different, but one thing matters, that are we living the cause that we are meant to fulfil?

Outwardly, we shout 'YES, i want to be a part'. but inwardly, do we actually know, and count the cost?

God rmbrs our 'yes(es)' , but do we?

And when God prompts us the few different areas of our lives which need pruning, in order for us to fulfil the cause more effectively, do we slowly glide away to a 'no'?

Even more so, when we have to give up things/ppl dearest to us, for a greater cause. Do we say 'no' to what God says no, and say 'yes' to what God says 'yes'?

Is our 'best' the enemy to God's best for us?

......

It's the beginning of my narrow road journey.

......

Just on a different note, as requested by my dear aunty pauline, here's very recent picture of me. So, lemme know if u think i gained weight =p (Calvin, i kinda copied and pasted from ur facebook album).

2009-07-30T22:41:00.003+08:00

I'm back.

There were reasons for me to be MIA for some time, and i have to say it has been a good break.

Breakthroughs.Dawn. New beginnings. Wait.
...and it will be tough.

Ultimately, the choice is mine. i know the road will be lonely, i know it will be challenging. But do i choose to keep my life, or lose it for His sake?

And when i thought i have loosen my fist, i was challenged to loosen it all till my fist becomes an open palm. A fist is still a fist, despite its tightness.

Everything. EVERY single aspect. Not even a tiny bit of leftover.

Cry. Shout. Cling. Believe. Faith.
I will do whatever it takes to walk on water. Let my eyes be fixed on You, above every wave that cries out for my attention.

Hold me close. please.

2009-07-07T22:39:00.002+08:00

as much as i want to be extraordinary, deep down i am just an ordinary girl.

as much as i want to be a superwoman, deep down i am only human.

as much as i want to be tough, deep down i am vulnerable.

as much as i want to be able to do everything perfectly, deep down i am very limited.

as much as i want to be confident, deep down i still have my doubts.

i'm just like u, who need God.

2009-07-06T22:44:00.002+08:00

I m so proud of my brother.

so so so proud.

=D

i wish i could give a big pat and tell u how proud i am to be ur sister.

2009-07-02T20:41:00.002+08:00

TAN JUN XIONG and EUNICE LEE were chosen for National Service.

*trying hard not to laugh*

=p

It's gonna be alright la.......................hor?

Aneeway,
First day of BTF today.
It was....challenging, yet rewarding.
=)

I dont think i want more than 2 kids next time. But i still wanna be a mom, if i have the chance to. =p

By God's grace, we will have the strength to keep going for the remaining days, and impact the young ones!

In times like these, i really miss working with John in sunday sch. He's the guy to go to whenever i need help in handling not-so-easy kids. yeah. even the ss teachers were amazed at his talents in keeping the naughtiest kid attentive. John.. i need some of ur charisma and creativity =p

Days been refreshing.

lesson for jane for the week : -
"don't place unnecessary frustrations upon yourself by setting high expections on others".

2009-06-28T20:34:00.001+08:00

i m *this* close to breakin down..

i m just gonna shower.......

2009-06-25T21:08:00.002+08:00

While I am waiting - John Waller (from the movie 'fireproof').

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Be kingdom minded, and hope for what is unseen. that's all i can say to myself to keep me going.

2009-06-23T22:08:00.003+08:00

From the 'fireproof' movie (thanks to mei who introduced to me)......

" when a man is trying to win her heart, he studies her. but after marriage, he stops studying her. if the amount he learnt about her before marriage equals to a high sch degree, he should then continue to learn about her till he gets a college degree, a master degree, and ultimately, a doctor degree.

"dont follow ur heart because u can be deceived by it. You gotta LEAD ur heart.

and the final punchline of the whole movie is :-

"Love is a covenant, not a contract. Love is a commitment, not just a feeling"

2009-06-22T20:49:00.003+08:00

"good is the enemy of best"

Am i settling for the good only?

am i opening my eyes big enough to discern?

where.am.i?

O Lord, why am i feeling the strain? You said i can find satisfaction in You alone.
On bended knees, i m crying for that now.

2009-06-21T21:25:00.002+08:00

i need to stop having morbid dreams.
it's scary.

i m already tired. i dun want my sleep to be scary.

2009-06-21T19:22:00.003+08:00

KISS - Because I'm a girl

Stairway to heaven

I dont know what's with this korean dude and donating his eyes, but it did touched me. =p
and kwon sang woo is *thumbs up*!!! =D

2009-06-19T20:05:00.008+08:00

its Furrrrrrraiiiiday!!!

...and my plan is to chillax with my lap top and music.. and a bit of reflecting.

=)

random notes..

1. i find it hard to accept a 'no' as an answer.
especially, when i know the answer can be a 'yes', but due to watever reason, it came out as 'no'.
Ah well.. i just have to accept, and not place such high high high expectations on others.

2. Mochachinno can be substituted as dinner. I had mochachinno at 4 and i didnt feel hungry after tht, even at 7.

3. I just realised june is ending. Means i m halfway thru my honours. means i have to rush certain things. means i need to buck up. means i only have 6-7 months more in melbourne.
i was just doing some research on the possibilities of me extending my stay, and the only way to extend is to get a scholarship. hrm.
really encouraged by a friend by what she said after i presented to her my concerns..she said 'let ur only GOd, open ur only way.'
I m excited bout wat He's gonna do. No doubt tht i do have my concerns, but i need to trust tht in whatever situation, be it a close or open door, it will be to bless me.
I just need to do my best, and give my best shot.
Given in any case, 7 months or 7 years tht i have here, i will continue to sow my all for Him.

4. i like going to uni on saturday mornings. hah.

5. i'm quite fed up of eating bread as a meal. for now. its temporary. =p i will get back in to my bread eating habits again.

6. i can think of something from nothingness. imaginasi. haha.

2009-06-16T21:31:00.002+08:00

bohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchap
bohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchap
bohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchapbohchap
bohchap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need a punching bag.

2009-06-15T21:11:00.003+08:00

'One-third of Victorians may have flu' - says The Age.

and someone from home church was tested positive. says my cousin.

hrm..

that aside...

i m just slightly disappointed. *breathes*

on the bright side..essay's done! heehee. Full on research now. flies. cute flies.

and searching for furnitures. slight packing. arranging research notes.

2009-06-14T17:45:00.004+08:00

What will hold me in one piece when i m alone?
Love.

What is the pushing factor to move even further?
Love.

What will release me from past hurts?
Love

What is the reason of doing what i do?
Love.

What will restore the inner joy?
Love.

Love never fails.

That's the only reason why im persevering.
cuz it will not fail me. even when all else does.

2009-06-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

akward silence.. hrm. never liked them.

anyway...

i m stuck at conclusion. weird. was looking forward to write conclusion, and when i finally reached tht section, blank.

so i blog hopped. as usual. =p

this time, i read the archives. mine included.

....which wow-ed me when i see the progression of their life growth.
....of what made them who they are today.

i laughed when i read mine. *shakes head*
was i *that* naive and childish?
haha.

our decision on wat we do with our past mistakes and successes, determines our present and future.

I wonder, what kind of posts will i be reading on my own blog in 3 years time?
or the question is, what would i WANT to read?

our decision on present situation will determine it.
plant a legacy, and watch it grow.

2009-06-13T00:19:00.002+08:00

my ego and pride were totally striped away by that 5-paragraph comment i received.

and it's ONLY His grace that i still managed to receive a relatively good grade. i thought i would have failed flat with those feedbacks.

only one word out of this.
HUMILITY.

As painful as it might be, i appreciate the moulding.
chipping off every rust in me.
chipping off every pride in me.

He;s reminding me again to go back to His throne of grace, and depend on Him.
Not my own glory, but His.

I better learn my lesson quick, before i get another painful reminder to fully depend on Him.

2009-06-11T08:38:00.000+08:00

"who'd imagined the sun to give source to its light,
yet concealed it to bring us the coolness of night
none can fathom....."

~Chris Tomlin - indescribable~

The chill of winter reminds me the precious-ness of heat.
It also reminds me of the sun.
The sun is something i dislike when i was in M'sia.
But i really appreciate it now.

And while listening to the song indescribable, i can't help but praise God for His creation.
Who would have thought of all these details? Sun, mooon, earth, sky, sea, land, animals, us...
..and don't get me started on stars. =p

As i'm learning more about genetics, it's like opening doors after doors of discoveries. There's no end to its complication. Yet in it's complication, one can't comprehend how-on-earth such details exist, having its own mechanism!!
u thought u have a 'ureka' moment for one concept. But somehow, it branches off a need to find another 'ureka' moment.
I can almost conclude that research is never ending. Well, at least for genetics. And i m just talking about the model organism that i m working on, Drosophila a.k.a fruit flies, with just 4 chromosomes!
i've not even mentioned the complexity of plants and human (we have 46 chromosomes, fyi).

One can actually feel God saying : "helo...is that ALL u can discover? let me just open ur eyes to a BIT more, and u can keep RE-searching.''
that 'a-bit-more' will probably need 3-4 years of head cracking. (*ahem* phd?)

There's no end to research, because God is a GOd of so much more, and we are just one of his detailed creation trying to rationalize His other detailed creation.

So, is there a point of continuing research (and RE search..and RE search..)?

a dilemma of an honours student. =p

2009-06-08T18:13:00.002+08:00

how can i forget...

Blessed birthday Jaclynn Chin a.k.a Ja2~!!!
(haha..i rmbred u share the same birthday as my brother, just much older. hah!)

(this picture is uber old lor.......when we still had the time to take random pictures of ourselves. hahaha!)

Have a fantastic birthday!
this is probably ur last time celebrating it as a single....cuz next year, u'll have a hubby to celebrate with u.
Ah..my 'twin sister', how long have i known u... 5 years ?? since campus city days.
we r old...
nope wait..YOU are old. lol....
Anywayy... thank u for being such a wonderful friend.
Thank you for teaching me how to sing 'somewhere over the rainbow' in the correct way.
Thank you for being there when i was at my lowest...
Thank you for your words of wisdom when i needed advice.
Thank you for not being afraid to say where i went wrong.
Thank you for entrusting me with ur story too..

Thank you, Ja2, for being u.

Dont know when will i see u again..=/ Send the wedding invitation to me k? (..and i m hoping it will come with the air ticket too..hee!)
i really miss u! Make melbourne ur destination for ur honeymoon~~~~! hehehe..

Take care my dear friend, and may the good Lord bless u ! Hope to hear from u soon.

2009-06-07T19:43:00.004+08:00

Just finished preparing for lab presentation tmr..taking a short break. hee.

I m amazed at what i learnt in service today. I think for those who were in church today, if we cant recall everything else that has been said, we will never forget one phrase..

"Our King has ONE more move.."

What an encouragement!

I've never cried during sermons before, today's my first. I guess tht msg is what we all needed to hear. What I needed to hear.

Apart from tht powerful session, i think God is trying to bring me back into the momentum of things. again.
I've not shared, or given a word in public for quite some time. The last time was during my Campus City days. It showed how it can be quite tough to get back into the momentum once i had my break. Quite a long one. one and a half years?
though i was refreshed during the break, but i think my confidence level dropped. Different congregation, maybe?
God even had to use pastor to nudge me to speak out.
(yes, Lord.. Loud and Clear..)

Bottom line: dont take too long a break. Or... rather, guard against spiritual break/rest!

on the other hand.
It was really good to hear my brother's voice again.
I miss him dearly.

Blessed *early* 19th birthday John.. (yeah, i cant wait till tmr already).

Please know that i m really really really proud to be your one and only sister.
You always entertain my jokes, eventhough sometimes they are lame and not funny.
You always put yourself second, and think of others first.
You always allow me to have something first.
You are not afraid to pin point my weaknesses.
You are sporting.
You are *very* talented.
You look out for ppl's needs.
You are willing to go all the way for ppl, including me.
You love God.
You are patient, especially towards me.
You care for me when i m not feeling well.
You seldom say no when i asked for help, like helping me to worship lead when i m really tired.
You are my partner in crime in teasing mom and dad. =p
You are my manager when it comes to recording our own songs. (yes, i m bad at those recording programme thingy).
You are my jamming partner when i really need someone to play with me.
You are my guitar and er hu teacher, tho i know i fail miserably.
You laugh at me when i am silly, instead of ignoring me.
You are my driver when i m lazy to drive.
You are my rubbish bin when i don't want to eat certain food.
You are the guinea pig when i need someone to try my cooking.
You are the only one tht will spell my name as Jane Ze Ze when u were young (Ze = jie)
You are the hands of my ideas when i m out of creativity.
You are my photographer =)
You are the lead singer of my composed songs =p
You always participate in my craziness when i am ....crazy. (ahh..i miss those times where we will suddenly sing out of tune, and look at each other, and start laughing.)

...with all the you(s) you have been in my life, most importantly,

you are my brother, John Loke Yek Joong.

i will NEVER EVER exchange anyone else as brother for u.
Jane Loke loves u very much~!! =D
take care.

2009-06-05T17:52:00.002+08:00

1st scene.

I was SO sure that i saw 'PULL'.

So i pulled the handle of the door.

*BANG~~*

I read the sign again. It said 'PUSH'.

*quickly pushed the door and walked out as if nothing happen*

2nd scene..

Jane: i think we need to transpose the key lower.

Sophie: yah..okaye.

Jane: U can transpose mentally right? no need to write the chords down yeah?

Sophie: yup.

Jane: okaye..so i will roughly show you how i would normally play this song.

(Jane hit the first chord correctly, then paused for a moment, and hit the second chord, but sounded really off.)

Joab: Eh helo..what u playing leh?

Sophie : U cannot transpose mentally ar?

Jane: *blink blink*

........and these are the moments that will make me smile unknowingly... my blurness cheers my day. hahahah~!

Thus, you dont need chocolates to brighten up ur day, you just need a dose of silly-ness. =p

...or laugh at other ppl's silly-ness. lol!

2009-06-04T20:42:00.002+08:00

" So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Finally got the long awaited feedback.
I have to say it wasn't that great, but when i saw the results, i knew God gave me more than what i deserved.
I thank God that despite the lack of time and effort i put in for my review, due to a preparation for a few events during that period, He is so good and faithful to give me more than what i deserved. He didn't give a great result because i would be very prideful, nor did He give me a result which totally destroyed me.

I m truly humbled.

Though yes, i wasn't too delighted to see where i stand in the eyes of my examiners.
I won't and am not going to settle for that kind of results for my essay and my thesis.
I'm going to double up my effort.

Tonight was refreshing. At first, it was really tempting for me to call up my shepherd and say that i don't want to go. All i wanted to do was to go back and break down. I still went anyhow, and i was totally refreshed. yay!

It's been a long time since i acknowledged Him as my God. It's been a while since i've told Him, "I'm doing this for You".
It has always been me, myself and i. Thus, my frustrations for not getting the best.

He whispered to me and asked:
'who are u doing this for?'
'who do u want to bring glory out of this?'

Tears flowed. I have nothing to say. No words. Except my sign of surrender.

I asked God this morning, to throw me a lifeline.
he said : 'no..I AM your lifeline.'

and like the verse at the beginning of this post..

' I WILL strengthen you and help you
I WILL uphold you with MY righteous right hand'

I'm really grateful that He is a personal God.

Today's lesson was on Esther.
and i m being reminded that coincidences are planned by God, though we may not see Him.
I was just thinking through certain events that happened in my life, to bring me to where i am today.
though some events were not pleasant, yet, God is able to change something ugly to something beautiful.
Example?
if it wasn't for a particular 'ugly' event, i wouldn't choose to go overseas to study. thus, i wouldn't be in melbourne at all.
..and many other more 'coincidences'.
I need to learn to discern coincidences better.

Another thing that caught my attention was her phrase ' if i perish, i perish'.
That's like the ultimate sacrificial phrase to me.
I can be the first to admit that i can't say that confidently.
It would be scary to know that courage, or to identify with that courage.

I know my post is a lil lenghty and going-no-where kind.
My probable explanation is that i have lots in my mind.
Right now, i just wanna do things right, for God's sake, and surrender.

Nothing else. Nothing more. No in betweens, but only You and me.

2009-06-03T21:51:00.002+08:00

Hoping on things unseen.

Open my eyes to the things unseen.

Help me to see what You see.

..and remind me why i m doing wat i m doing, why i m still pressing on tho i m fighting against the winds. my own 'winds'.

i m afraid tht i'm losing focus soon.

2009-06-03T10:40:00.001+08:00

I need a better and clearer understanding of this, like ..now~!

*looks up* help?

2009-06-01T19:49:00.002+08:00

Happy choir-ish song cheers my day..=)

He still loves me - Fighting Temptation movie soundtrack

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around (turned my life around)

[Chorus:]
Seems like I always fall short of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me (yeah)
I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me (no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
Loves me

I used to wake up some days
and wish I'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the world's on top of me
everybody's got opinions(they share)
They aint been in my position(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me yeah (what they say)

seems like I always fall short (fallin short)of bein worthy
(Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (still loves me)
I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me

I'm not perfect(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough(just aint good enough)
Shunned by the world
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me(I just aint good enough)

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed To be loved, loved
Stand for him and fall for anything
Cause through his eyes we all look the same
What would we do without blame?

2009-06-01T18:03:00.002+08:00

Eating Kolo mee made me miss home.

and this friday is BBK church camp. Second time missing it. *pouts*

yes, i know i cant have everything.

which includes..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

urgh. You know best.

2009-05-30T15:13:00.002+08:00

Into the sister's groove...

heh..yeah. one of my wishes in my wishlist when i m in australia, is to visit a vibrant gospel church. Haven't been to one yet. But yeah, this will do at the mo. hahaha..It keeps me happy. =p

The first minute of this clip is really funny. Singing 'Oh Happy Day' with a oh-very-sien look. hahahahha... now, a lot of us are like that, aren't we?
Thank God there's always the other 2 minutes to catch up for it. =p if u get wat i mean.
Oh and the looks on the "fathers" are priceless. hahahahah~!!

I will follow Him..

I lurve the pianist~!!! ahh...so cute! how she stood up with the grin and bang bang bang..lol~!

finally, my favourite gospel choir song...

Ain't no mountain high enough...

I want, I want, I want a choir~!!

Yes..and ain't no essay is hard enough to score. =D

2009-05-28T21:48:00.003+08:00

I dreamt about Calvin and Ern Suey's wedding. Very sweet, but very weird way of doing things. hrm. Maybe i should tell them what and how they had their service.

=p

Can i not dream about weird weddings anymore? and no..i m not desperate. i m just SURROUNDED by ppl who are getting married/engaged/attached.

And wat a timing, i was having a chat with a friend about rships, with all the what(s) the best way and how(s) to go about it, etc..
And we came to a conclusion that if u want to have a prince charming/princess charming of your own, you yourself needs to be a prince charming/princess charming first.

I think most, if not all of us have a top5-20 list of 'criterias' of what we look for in a partner. NOthing wrong with that. In fact, it's good to have a list. But... are those criterias meant to satisfy our OWN needs only? For example, 'i need a tidy wife.. so that she can help in cleaning the house as i m a messy person', or ' i need someone who is patient, so that he/she can handle my temper.'

If u are in the first example, u need a maid, not a wife/husband.
If u r in the second example, u need a punching bag, not a wife/husband.

I remember very clearly of an activity that Ps Ryan once asked us to do when he imparted his knowledge about BGR. He asked all of us to list down 5 characters of what we look for in a partner. After sharing what we have listed down, he commended that most of us have a really good list to start with. But, he threw us a question after that, which went:

"So..do YOU guys reflect the characters you wrote in the list?"

If u want a guy with patience, are u patient in the first place?
If u want a girl who is able to handle emotions well, do u have good self control ?
If u want a guy who has integrity, are u one who has integrity too?
If u want a girl who is mature, are u mature yourself?

and so on..

Our partners are not meant to be cover ups of our weaknesses.

2009-05-27T22:13:00.002+08:00

JasonC in melbourne. Sigh..it's a pity that i only got to meet him once.

Tonight's meet up rekindled my good ol days monash msia memories. As i was telling Sook Wai, one of my fondest memories throughout my biotech course , is the privilege to know a great bunch of ppl who supports one another.

JasonC, i hate to admit it but i think i will miss having u around. hahaha. Somehow, u just have the ability to light up the atmostphere eventhough u r going through a tough time urself.
Thank you for being who you are, and don't ever doubt what you are able to do. No matter how many times we tease u, do know tht u r deeply cherished by us. =p

Dinner tonight was fantastic. It brought back old memories of how it was like in msia. Moments of laughing at your silly-ness, exchanging weird ideas of doing things (yes, a wedding in a drosophila/microbiology lab huh?), reminding us how u hated glass pipette, telling us random joke that only u can understand, recalling the funny things we do in lectures, putting me on the spot to pray before i eat, laughing at significant hilarious event that happened, arguing over something that doesnt make sense, constructing invalid conclusions, or just moment of akward silence...

(stuck in a jam from 1U and kinda missed GEN lecture)

(moments of you being so Jason, hahaha..)

U create good memories. And though we really really wish you could come to melbourne to study, we want to wish you all the best in your decision. Whatever it is, do know that we are supporting you. =)

Take care, and help me eat my 'dai gao meen' for me in msia. hahaha..

2009-05-27T00:08:00.001+08:00

Centre of it all - Hillsong London

Freedom comes when I call You Lord..

2009-05-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

Refreshed. Really. =)

One major sin revealed. Which explains the constant surface of my weakness.

Getting there.. With Him, all things are possible.

Managed to caught hold of a free piano room in campus today. Solid 1 and half hour of music therapy. Just me, the piano, and God. *smiles*

Received confirmation too. I'm gonna miss this road though. Had good memories. But ah well.. make new memories then.

Stuck with this module tho. i wanna get it off asap~!!

2009-05-24T22:19:00.002+08:00

Jane : *cries*

Gentle whisper: "Jane, you definitely can do better that this."

Jane: *thinks, analyses, re-thinks* Yes, You are right. I CAN do better than this.

Gentle whisper: "Come, take My hand, fix your eyes on Me, and lets run this race together..."

Thank You for Your gentle voice.

I have been reminded that the goliath(s) in our lives can only scare us, but it can't touch us. All we need is our readiness of heart, together with our sling and stone.

2009-05-24T14:19:00.001+08:00

Haha..part 2 of your post, Mei. =p

2009-05-23T19:36:00.002+08:00

A big birthday shoutout to......

MEILINA THAMBRIN~~!!!

Thank you for accepting who i am.
Thank you for always being there when i needed a listening ear, or just a friend to lean on, to cry on.
Thank you for your prayers.
Thank you for your faithful friendship.
Thank you for looking beyond my faults.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for being...you. =0)

May the good Lord continue to shower u with more blessings, as you have blessed us with all that u have. You deserve the best.

Blessed 20th birthday, my dear friend. I hope u like the lil gift. =)Just a gesture of my appreciation for your friendship.

2009-05-22T21:10:00.003+08:00

There's a thin line between strengthening of heart , and hardening of the heart.

..and i dont quite know where to draw it.

I feel like an Elijah, running away from the Jezebel.
It's really weird and funny how after a guy who managed to call fire from heaven, is AFRAID of a deadly phrase from the queen now.
Its funny how after every high point of our life, we return to our low self so easily, so instantly. Even after God performed His power.

I can't comprehend it.

and God said to Elijah when he went to the cave, " What are u doing here?"
in other words..

"why are u hiding?"

Elijah's answer was (in simple language) : " I m the alone in this".

I feel like raising my hand and saying the same.

BUt God did not stop there to feed His self pity party, He told Elijah : " Go back the way you came, cuz I have reserve a team who has the same passion and heart as u."

What else could we say , but just to believe that He will provide?

or...

we can keep on hiding in our caves.

I want to believe, and i want to see what i believe come true.
I dont want to run away. i want to run to You.
Strengthen my heart, dont harden my heart.
Please remind me why I m doing wat i am doing.

2009-05-20T20:42:00.002+08:00

I will declare..

...of Your goodness no matter how bad i feel.
...of Your greatness in times of my weakest moment.
...of Your beauty eventhough i feel ugly.
...of Your majesty when i feel small.
...of Your love when i feel un-loved.
...of Your victory when satan says i m defeated.
...of Your power in times of trouble.
...of Your strength when i m most vulnerable.
...of Your awesome-ness eventhough i feel bleh.
...of Your presence when i m alone.

Declaration of faith/praise is the start of victory in our lives~!

2009-05-19T19:08:00.004+08:00

At the end of the day, i just want to throw my tired self into Your arms. Though i really wish i could feel Your physical hug.

"No other place, i want to be..
In Your presence is where I belong, with You forever"

or....

Alternatively, i can escape to north of Finland to see this..

Ah....*smitten-ly strucked* >.<

*runs*

2009-05-18T19:20:00.002+08:00

' A girl has to bury her heart so deep that the guy has to go through God to get it.'

i nodded in agreement as Amanda told me that sentence, while walking back home from dinner together-gether.

It's true, that girls are really precious. Another person just told me a few days ago that girls are meant to be pursued. We are really a true gem. But knowing it alone is not enough.

We need to believe it, by not degrading ourselves to pursue attention. That's a self reminder too. I guess i still am that little girl who sometimes crave for ppl's attention and time. soemtimes more than i crave for chocolate. hahhaha..

=)

We had 7 baptism on saturday morning.
What touched me the most was their testimonies. Each one of them. And all of them had one thing in common, is that their turning point happened when they came to Australia.
It was when they were alone that they found God again.
And that really rekindled and re-confirmed my passion for students again. It encouraged me that what we are sowing now will never be in vain. For every single minute that we sow into lives, God will multiply it and germinate the seed that we sow.
It gave me strength again to be more effective in student ministry, while i am still a student. If God willing, He will extend my student-ship either in post grad or phd, if not, i have only 6 more months. time is running out. But ironically, a word was spoken to me before tht i cant charge 100 miles/hour.. but if i dont charge, 6 months will just pass me by.. ah well..the Lord knows best.

Every life is precious. Every life counts. We dont need to go out to the mission field to get ppl saved internationally, it's right in our campus! If a Malaysian catches the vision and passion in australia, brings it back to his/her home country, spreads it to the ppl around her... it's done internationally already. What makes it more unique is that we arent just dealing with one country, we are dealing with lots more than tht. What other better time to sow, than now?

Hrmm.

with tht, i felt really bad today for overlooking someone really important. I know i shouldnt be self pitying already but i do feel bad. God gave me that one 'talent' and i didn't take care of it. ARGH! horrible, bad Jane! Grr... HOW COULD I?!??! I wanna cry.

Well, at least i know now not to ever ever ever overlook ppl. It's life tht i m handling. Fragile life.

2009-05-16T19:24:00.002+08:00

"As long as i shall live, i will testify of Your love..."

Wow..thank You God for Your abundant grace. I indeed did not deserve the blessing(s) but yet freely You gave it to me.

Despite my imperfect presentation on Friday, You promoted me to be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. Truly, no words can describe my utmost gratitude for Your favour.
Despite my limited five loaves and two fishes, You provided people to help me and gave me an opportunity to sow into many lives with the talent You gave.
Despite my little faith, you path-ed the way for me to share about You to someone new.
Despite my many many many weaknesses, You placed so many great friends around me to remind me of Your love.

And top of everything else, despite of who i am, You still love the wretched ol' me.

"To think that the universe could not withold Your glory, You choose to live in me, and I'm so amazed.."

I want to love You better than before...

2009-05-14T21:51:00.002+08:00

Nothing beats seeing what u have been praying for slowly coming to past.

I know its just the tip of the tip of the tip of the tip of the tip of the iceberg, but i m really excited to see some light at the end of the tunnel! At least it gives me strength to keep hoping and persevering.

I'm slowly tasting and experiencing the joy again, of doing what i m most passionate about, cuz it's about lives.

Bringing God to ppl, bringing ppl to God. =)

Thank You, for the encouragement.

..and now, i need to see the light at the end of my 'presentation' tunnel tmr. hah.

2009-05-11T21:30:00.002+08:00

i have every intention to win this battle,with my armour and my weapon of prayer.

i'll no longer bow down to defeat and intimidation. No.. no more. I'm tired of being pushed again and again. Argh! Enough is enough!
Even if it means i may/have to go thru heart wrenching/refining/breaking moments, no...i shall not bow down to defeat.

Greater is the One living in me than the One who is of the world.
If Satan reminds me of my past, I will remind him of his future.

2009-05-11T18:38:00.002+08:00

Congratulations to my dear Yeong Ru. =)

Hmm...that means i won't be able to see u for more than a year leh...unless i have enough money to visit you in US. =/ oh well.. i'm still happy for you! Will email u soon (hopefully) to catch up on this..

Don't be toooo wild o~! Be good. =p Missing you.

It's been a long while since we have time to be crazy aye? LoL...

2009-05-10T21:10:00.001+08:00

Here in Your Presence - Ross Parsley

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, heaven and earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You.

2009-05-09T21:06:00.002+08:00

A big shoutout to my mommy...

Blessed Mothers' Day ~~!!

This would be my first time not being able to spend mothers' day with you. Then again, please always know that you are always on my mind.. =) Take care, and i hope you enjoy this tiny gift i made for you.

I love you~!

2009-05-08T00:19:00.003+08:00

"... the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

reminding me of all the times i tried before and fail

the waves keep on telling me time and time again "you'll never win.."

yes. another hit of *that* wave.

But as i m being pushed even harder now, i;m clinging on to You Lord ever stronger now.

"but the voice of truth tells me a different story,

the voice of truth says do not be afraid

and the voice of truth says "this is for My glory"

out of all the voices calling out to me, i will choose to listen to the voice of truth."

...starve the evil thought, feed the godly thought.

Feed the right thoughts.

2009-05-06T20:48:00.002+08:00

the effect of two lame ppl chatting while reading..

10:17 PM Antonius: ah Loke
10:19 PM me: yello~
10:34 PM Antonius: Blue's there?
10:37 PM me: i dun understand white u r trying to ask
10:39 PM Antonius: I'm sure you know.. you don't purple-ly say you don't
10:42 PM me: red-ly dont understand wat ur pinking.
10:44 PM Antonius: I think you're losing the game.. you don't have O-range of words to play
me: i grey-ciously let u win
10:45 PM Antonius: hahahahwhwwwawawawawahhahahahahah
me: LOL yes!!!
Antonius: this is so good hahahahaha

does it green a bell to u? hahahahahh....=p

2009-05-04T18:45:00.002+08:00

I followed Ada's advice, that is to cook when one is feeling not-so-happy.

i think it helped....slightly.

i personally dont believe in Monday blues, cuz it's more on how we choose to react. But i have to say tht i did let my guard down today.

Woke up with a bad dream which involved my family's safety. I think tht kinda pulled me down the whole day.
Then as i walked back home at 7 plus when the sky was dark, i think i was frightened by my own shadow.. and it reminded me of the dream tht i had about my family.

What more, i was disappointed over a small matter. It is probably insignificant to everyone, but it's significant to me. Tiny me-issue led to the replay of my past 'drama'. Really tired to even have tht replay-ed in my mind which totally stepped my self esteem even lower.

My strength, has sometimes become my weakness.

Yet again, i will not bow down to intimidation, fear and insecurity.
Lord, You take control, and channel my negativity, to positivity.

2009-05-02T21:24:00.002+08:00

I CHOOSE not to feed into my weakness.

When i m weak, You are strong.
I dont know how that works, but it will, cuz You said so.
and i will choose to smile, come what may.

....

Praise God for my presentation feedback! I was really nervous about it cuz i found out i didn't have enough facts the night before. Yet, He pulled me thru the night, and also during the presentation. He gave me courage, wisdom and strength. Not by my might, but by His power~!!
I know He gave me a grade more than what i deserved. Thank You Lord. Thank You.

=D

2009-04-30T22:28:00.002+08:00

The worst state to be in (for now) is knowing tht there's no one to be blamed, but urself, because of ego a.k.a. pride.

YES..i heard it LOUD and CLEAR now.... =/
..just a lil angry bout myself bout certain things tht i COULD and SHOULD have done better. But no...i was too egoistic. urgh.

2009-04-29T19:43:00.002+08:00

Three ppl sent me this link in the span of 3 hours.

It's so good!!! The music is so....fulll and compatible~!

Confirm. I want a piano room in my house next time. hhahahhahaha.. =p

2009-04-28T21:44:00.001+08:00

*screams*

NERVOUS!

2009-04-27T20:11:00.003+08:00

I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT HAS BEEN RINGING IN MY HEAD FOR THE PAST FEW DAYSS~~~!!!

SO happy. Found the youtube too...
Enjoy..and i hope it ministers to you as much as it did to me.

-

Here is my heart, make it your sanctuary.....

2009-04-27T17:33:00.002+08:00

three steps forward.

i think i was pushed a step backward again.
the enemy is really attacking my weakest point.

"greater is the One living in me than the one who is of this world."

guard the heart! guard the heart~!

walked under the rain again. unlike few days ago, this time, it's quite miserable actually. i need to buy an umbrella, like real soon.
..and also a thicker jacket. my current one doesnt seem to keep me warm this time.
=/ $ again.

was pretty clumsy today. Dropped a rack full of tubes (ugh), no good result on my PCR, dropped my phone, burn my pinky slightly,dropped my shampoo while trying to put it on the rack, etc..

.............nevertheless, this is the day tht the Lord has made and i shall rejoice and be glad in it! =D

2009-04-25T21:49:00.002+08:00

"we were strangers starting out on a journey..."

Congratulations to Jasmine and Chris!! =D May God continue to shower u with many blessings and favour as you embark on this new journey together =)

Beautiful wedding, for a beautiful couple.

And the song is still stuck in my head. lalalaa...

ON a side note, received this picture from Yu Wan (thank u so much..=D). Taken on Helen's final sunday with us in Melbourne. =/

Jayne, Helen, yours truly, Sarah

I will miss you, Helen~! Take care and always be strong.

now instead of having three to bully, it's down to two only. hahahaha...!

.........................................................................................just jk.

2009-04-23T22:13:00.002+08:00

Wow....i didn't know walking under the rain can be a good therapy.

It wasn't done on purpose okaye (yes, before anyone starts nagging me). My umbrella decided to break two more of its batang(s), and now three batang(s) are broken. If i used it, it will be seen as if i m using a big leaf trying to cover my head. *flip flop flop* ANd yes, my umbrella is green too.

But yeah, it was nice! probably the only irritating part is the rain droplets on my specs. spider view. ahahha..

I wanna try tht again, in a field. Yeah, something i've always wanted to do, to stretch out my arms, and dance under the rain...something like the pantene advertisement, minus the shampoo and the low cut dress. t shirt and jeans would be better cuz i get to roll on the ground too! =p hehe!

Oh oh .. not to forget, singing! Oooo..i had a song while walking under the rain and it's called 'Breathe'.

Breathe into my soul, Spirit of God
Feel my life with Your presence
I'll hide under Your shadow
Dwell in Your secret place
It's You I long to know.

=D

2009-04-20T15:15:00.004+08:00

Lit review is in.. yay. =)

Gonna rest and sleep early tonight, before i start the first module.

Woke up really refreshed this morning. Eventhough sleep wasn't that great, but yeah, the fresh thot of knowing His grace and mercy are new everyday kicked in really strong today. Partly thanks to the short spontaneous break i have yday night, marvelling at one His many splendid creations call STARS. (YAY! =D )

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name.
Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing"

Just wondering whether did GOd name one of the stars as Jane Loke. =p
If He did, would i be the sparkling one, or the big bright one?
How would i fit in HIS huge amazing universe?

ehehe...random. yes.

As for OC..
To sum it all, i think God is trying to drill a word into my HEART and the word is L.O.V.E.
I guess that kinda answered most of the questions i had.
And hearing testimonies from other people made me realise that i wasn't struggling alone.
We are empowered by His spirit, when we have truly, sincerely, received His love..

"And now i will show you the most excellent way.
If i speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I m only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i m nothing.
If i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing."

~1 cor 13:1-3~

simple truth hor?

the more we soak in this simple truth, the more we r set free.
when we r set free, we learn how to channel the love to others.
the more we learn how to love others, the more effective we are!

which is so in line with ps Helen's first point bout discernment, that discernment needs to be accompanied with love!

so if i were to trace back why am i ineffective...
it's because i have not fully soaked in His love, and thus not being able to love others totally.
My spear has been so blunt, and it's about time to sharpen it with His love.

Spear heads for His Kingdom!

Once i got tht truth in, i got a confirmation about another spiritual gift.
As i was trying to sort thru the gifts that I have, i could see some sort of a direction...but..tht direction is...wow.
Wow as in it would be exciting to know where i would be 5 years down the road, and wow as in it's not gona be easy.
SO what's gonna keep me going??

u know the answer =)

2009-04-18T20:01:00.004+08:00

For the very first time in Melb, i have a blocked nose, a.k.a cold.
..and i thot it only happens to me when i m in Msia.

Gasping for air thru mouth is no fun.
..and I talk like goofy now.

=/

2009-04-18T10:28:00.002+08:00

Another home churchmate has lost his battle to cancer yesterday, yet gained everything in Christ Jesus.

Rest in Peace, Uncle Choo Eng.
Aunty Winnie, please stay strong.

Another note, Elane went back to brisbane today. Sigh...it was a long lonely journey back home from city. Had a great time with u, lane.. Come visit again. =D

2009-04-15T17:53:00.002+08:00

After two months, i finally am able to say from the bottom of my heart that ..

"I'm glad to be back in Melbourne".

No particular event or reason, just my own realisation of the fact.
Though it's gonna be tough-er this time (physically, mentally, emotionally, academically), but i know He will pull me through.

I just need to guard my heart, steadfast.

OC was awesome =) i can't quite share much now cuz most of the things i caught or learn are really deep and personal issues. And also i got a lit review to do. hahah.. MAybe later. but yes, God loves me! =)

........and sadly, i have gained weight, i think.

2009-04-05T18:57:00.002+08:00

When God Ran - Philip, Craig, and Dean

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

Tears just kept flowing, when He reminded me that He knows me.
He KNOWS me, even when i am so insignificant to others.
He told me that He hold my world in His palm, even before we sang 'With all i am".
He knows me and HE remembers each promise He made.
Thank You. Thank You So much.

2009-04-04T06:54:00.003+08:00

" My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may Your will be done"

-Matthew 26:42-

Jesus didnt had to. But He did it out of obedience and out of love.
And i went .."WHY?? Just for....us?? This complaining bunch of us?"

We will NEVER EVER imagine what pain He went through.

AND here WE are complaining about the tiniest of things,
or even have the guts to say God doesn't understand,
Worst of all, to utter 'God doesnt love us.'

HOW DARE WE! After all what HE had done, after all the whipping and slashing, after all the nailing, after HE died on the cross, HOW DARE WE SAY THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE US!!!!!

Jesus could have said 'life's unfair'. He has the right to. But He didn't.
Who are we then, to say that life's unfair. He has nullify every unfairness in this world by dying for us on the cross to indicate to us that he has made it fair.

We ought to change our speech and our attitude, for the sake of what Christ has done for us.
We can never thank Him enough, but we can change the way we live to express our gratitude.

I'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross...

2009-04-03T22:47:00.003+08:00

There's always a testimony behind every obstacle, and i want to claim it.

Thus, i can do this victoriously, by Your grace.

I need strength to keep me from being impatient and cranky.

2009-04-01T21:09:00.002+08:00

I'm so full and satisfied from a heavy supper.

Went to pancake parlour with pastor and aunty guat after joab's bday celebration, and met Megan. Megan came over, and she gave us a 'buy one free one' coupon! Then, mr.waiter came to us and asked whether is it our first time, pastor said yes...and mr. waiter said he will let us try some samples for free! woohoo~~! we thought we r gonna share a plate of samples. Little did we know, we get a plate EACH! Plus, we ordered hot chocolate. hahahhah!

So all in all, we had three free plates of samples, two plates of pancake (two on each plate), and two hot choc. Pastor went on to say 'Wow...we r generously blessed!"

Yup, make good friends with pastor and u get a portion of his blessings too. AAHHAHA!!

Anyways, that aside, i had an awesome time with them. Dont really know how to elaborate on this, but yeah, it was great =) Always love listening to them, because they never fail to encourage me.

Another positive note, lab results have been showing some positive inclination these few days. *thank God!* i know mom has been praying real hard. =) thanks mom!

****

In the midst of all these, i really feel like shouting. Not out of frustration, or any kind of negativity, but just a deep sense of i dont know...roaring? Being reminded again today, that i need to take three steps forward.

What's the 'three-steps-forward' in my context?
number one , to put in more effort to excel in our calling (studies/ministries, etc..)

number two, to put in more effort in setting our lives apart. I rmbr back in CCM days, pastor Ryan always challenge us that as leaders, we need to make sacrifices at times cuz we need to set the pace for the followers. Sometimes it means sacrificing the things we enjoy most. Sometimes it means putting in more effort to lay down self desires. Sometimes it simply means to trust and obey Him totally.

number three, is not to be distracted. I get distracted so easily these few days and i know i have not walked straight because i kept looking to the right and to the left. grah!

GOd, i need wisdom. The way i handle things at times can be so...disappointing and immature. =/

2009-03-31T20:46:00.004+08:00

Why are all the movies that i chose to watch in Australia so CMI....(except for the 'international')

"Knowing" is one of those shows that tries to potray how the end of the world might turn out to be. Well, with aliens. That element kinda killed the whole show la.

For the past few days, i have either been discussin , or being told about things regarding end times. ANd i can only come to one conclusion that life is short, and there's urgency in doing things that matters, things that will last for eternity.

Then the first thing that came to my mind was my family. It's funny how distance draws us closer. It warmed my heart when my brother , for his very first time, utter the three loving words to me when i was feeling all so upset a few days ago. Eventhough it was thru msn, yet, wow, it warmed my heart totally. My family and relatives mean a lot to me even more now.

another thing that came to my mind was the ministry that i m ploughing now. Lately, i've noticed that i'm so easily angered and agitated, and impatient towards situations that doesnt flow my way, which causes me to be less effective as i noticed. And as i told swee about it, she said " major on the major things". Wow..that gave me some light. hahaha! And i had a 'ranting out' session with God when i was in lab during the waiting period. I realised i might be under a spiritual attack, now attacking my weak-est point. Everytime i take a step forward, i get pushed two steps behind. So, i need to take three steps forward, in order to progress. So, really, there's no time to slack in terms of praying and putting the full armour of God.

SO yeah..gear up! gear up! we can only go higher.

2009-03-29T21:53:00.004+08:00

"Who are u to tell me what to do? u dun even understand, dont talk like u care and dont let me care bout the one i love, hypocrites."

A hypocrite? That's it. Fine. i dont think i wanna care anymore. If that's how u wanna lead your life, go ahead. I've done all i could.

2009-03-29T20:34:00.002+08:00

Argh..not focusing. Been back and forth , back and forth regarding my presentation slides for tmr's practice and i m still feeling restless about it. Hrm.

"Place Your heart inside my soul, my heart is ever true, one that's after You"

A phrase from a song sung today. Another one of the moments where i doubted my heart when i sing what i sing.

I crave for many things, but am i craving desperately for the most important thing? The one and only thing that i need?

Am i running after towards the right 'you' with a big capital Y?

"Into the secret place i will run, where my heart will be free in the grace that i found.."

2009-03-27T20:41:00.003+08:00

LUXURY

lux·u·ry:
(lgzh-r, lksh-)
n. pl. lux·u·ries
1. Something inessential but conducive to pleasure and comfort.
2. Something expensive or hard to obtain.
3. Sumptuous living or surroundings: lives in luxury.

Jane's definition?
T.I.M.E

Yeah, time is luxury.
Well, u may beg to differ, but believe me, to a certain extent, we crave for more time eventually, in one way or the other.
Or maybe just because my love language is quality time.
and because of that, i crave for ppl's time as well.

Selfish? maybe.kinda.
But don't you crave for ppl's time and attention too?

I never fancy the word busy. i never fancy the icon 'busy' on msn/skype/gtalk. But lately i find myself using it. Lately i find ppl around me using it. The phrase "i m busy " never appeal to me. "i'm busy" is probably a 'nicer' way of saying " i have no time for u". ouch.

And because of the lack of 'free' time that i have, i tend to be very picky on how i wanna spend my time, whether on my own, or with people. Whether in silence, or talk, whether in activities, or over meals. I miss just having plain and spontaneous 'hanging-out' sessions. Without any motives, without being confined to certain designated/fixed groups determined by a structure, without obligations. Just us, whoever 'us' is composed of.

Yes, time is luxury.

2009-03-25T14:50:00.002+08:00

Email like this just place a smile on my face. hahahha~! my aunty is really cute.

"Hi Jane,

To get you in touch with BBK even while you are away, I am enclosing to you our Mustard Seed articles.

Please let me know the ones that you don't have so that I can send to you. If you have Pagemaker, better still, I can send to you the whole mustard seed. Hee Hee.

Enjoy reading and be blessed. Better than looking at flies all the time.

Aunty"

=p i know u r reading my blog. AHHAHAHAH~~!

2009-03-24T21:36:00.002+08:00

I just got my monash staff account, finally got it sorted. =p
I've 137 unread emails. O.0

But i had fun reading some of them. hahahahah~~!

on a random note, i think i know why i have been so moody and easily angered the past few days, it's the T.O.T.M. haha. My apologies go to those i have unintentionally used as a punching bag. aiks. SOrry peeps.

My meet up with supervisor was pretty encouraging. Tho short, but yeah, encouraged. Thank you Lord. =)

Okaye, back to work.

2009-03-23T22:01:00.003+08:00

John Loke : guess wat, i almost died today.

Not funny wei.

2009-03-22T21:03:00.003+08:00

This is harder than i expected, but I can be confident that..

He knows my name,

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when i call.

"Not to the right or to the left, but fixing my eyes onto the author and the finisher of my faith..."

2009-03-21T19:39:00.004+08:00

Lord Jesus, Your sacrifice on the cross just reflected how tiny my 'turmoil' is. Thus, i should not complain.

and i thank You for sending ppl like Chiann to keep me sane.

If i have the cash/car/plane ticket now, i would run away. seriously.

...on a brighter note, jiun and joyce's wedding today was beautiful. It's goood to hear pastor's and aunty guat's voice again. Didn't take many photos as i wasnt allowed, but i got the important one.

Congratulations ~! =D

2009-03-19T20:56:00.004+08:00

Okaye. this is the part where i go...

"What do You want me to learn from this? Self Control ? "

I shan't complain. i want to do this for You. i am doing this for You.

So guard my mouth, let me run to You instead, my refuge.

And this is the part where i will find physical comfort food and spiritual food. i know its late for physical food but hey, i m really hungry.

....on a brighter note, i m staying home tmr =) to concentrate on lit review. yays.

..and figure out how to get to church rd, doncaster by bus.

2009-03-18T20:14:00.002+08:00

Thank you dude, for the 'early birthday' cum 'welcome-back' gift.

Really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!

*grins* hehe!