Siaoness...That's what I have, what i own....

2009-11-10T09:40:00.002+08:00

moved temporarily to another 'home' @ janeloke.posterous.com. ahha..i *might* move back to blogspot home. =p

Yes, i m slightly bored.

Note: slightly

Off to work, tata!

2009-10-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

It is finished =)

Time flies. i still recall how i first arrived in Melbourne.
And now, i have submitted my thesis. I can't believe it. Jane Loke actually managed to write and submit a thesis. a research thesis.

I really couldn't have done it without God. From the time He opened this opportunity for me to study in monash clayton, to the date i submitted the thesis, it is a miracle.

I reflected. He has brought me so far. He has been so faithful in my life, eventhough i may not be that faithful. Step by step, He spurs me on. He has never given up on me. He is my God, my love.

Who would ever thought that Jane could do AND finish Honours? Personally, I m not academically talented. I'm blur (well, most of the time) and slow. I wouldnt consider myself a very hard working person, nor do i consider myself a brilliant girl.

But i am God's princess.

I've learnt to set aside what ppl might think of me (failing badly still). I've learnt tht with God, and the tenacity to perform, miracles happen. I've learnt that patience comes with a price. I've learnt that perseverance must finish its work. I've learnt the challenge to give my best shot.

I've learnt that the ultimate goal is not achieving the scholarship, but to obtain something more valuable..
Character.

What is it to me tht if i get the scholarship, but have not learnt patience?
or what is it to me tht if i get the grades i want, but have not learnt to have joy as my strength?

Though yes, i really do hope and pray tht i can get the scholarship. i really do.
I have my plans laid out, sorta, and there's no plan B in it.
Meanwhile, i m looking for jobs. No good news so far, but it's not the end of the world.

but GOd is still good =)

Anyway, having said all these, i really do wanna thank a lot of u, for helping and supporting me this year. For the countless encouragements through sms-es/email/phone calls/stay overs, for the meal and dessert deliveries when i m stressed or ill, for the prayers, for the unwavering supports, for the trust and confidence in me, for the consoling moments when i didnt do as well, for the time taken jsut to be there for me (esp durin my final thesis talk), for the virtual late nites company, for the acts of services such as cooking dinner for me, for the gifts to encourage me, and also for the genuine love-me-for-who-i-am towards me.

Thank you. =) You dont know how much you have contributed.

2009-10-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

I know i m not suppose to blog, but i m giving myself a break tonight, becausee.......

I'm done with presentations for Honours!! *woohoo~*

Overall, i think i did pretty ok. Wished i have stumbled less, but it's over. Praise GOd that i knew how to tackle the questions, and also how He placed the right ppl at the right time to guide me. ALso praise GOd tht my voice is back! =)

Another thing that really helped calm my nerves down, was the presence of familiar faces in the pool of audience. Apart from my lab colleagues, Megan, Mei, Jin Tat, Swee and Jon Chua were there to support me. So, when i felt nervous during my talk, i looked at them, and they gave me a smile (as compared to the other blank/serious face). Wow..tht really encouraged me to move on. So to you guys, thank you so much for being there. =) I reALLY appreciate it, and especially to Jin Tat and Megan, who actually sat thru almost the whole session of the Honours talk, just so tht u get the chance to talk to me after everything was done. Thank you =0)

Thank you to those who texted me to wish me all the best. Though i did not reply to all (cuz credit kinda bursted as well), but i realy appreciate the support and prayer.

Had a good break during the nite after presentation. Mao's Last Dancer Movie was fantastic! =D

So now, my final hurdle is the thesis itself. =) full on after my sleep tonight.
HOoorah~!! I want to finish it well.

2009-10-04T20:05:00.003+08:00

ok...

On facebook fast, outing/entertainment fast (unless urgent or necessary), blog fast, msn fast till 26 october.

last lap. gonna run this 3-weeks section of my last student race with all of my heart.....with God. =)

till then, take care! i m still contact-able via phone and email.

See u on 26oct.

2009-10-04T16:09:00.002+08:00

i know. Another post. i m kinda avoiding work for a while.

how often do u get a quiet sunday evening all to yourself , with home cook noodle soup , and saxaphone music..
not to mention a puuuuurfect weather?

*smiles*
Ah...Refreshing-lah.

Yes, getting back to work, and my second helping of noodle soup! =D

Maybe teh tarik later.

now...if only my 'work' can turn to leisure reading.

2009-10-04T14:08:00.002+08:00

Urgency of time and the warning tht life is VERY unpredictable and short is getting into me even more.
Been hearing how ppl died in their sleep, or collapsed, or car accident, etc...

Every night, i have this thought that goes -'what if i'm not able to wake up tmr?'

Morbid i know, but i cant guarantee that i will be alive the next day.
Will i be able to face God? Am i ready?

Or if i were to turn it around - "will i see my family/friends again the next day?''

I wake up, thanking God tht i m alive each day.
Thanking God tht i have some work to do.
Thanking God that I still have my family and friends.

The more i thank Him, the more i cherish them. Probably won't have the chance to say 'i love u' to each one of them, but i will try when opportunities arise.

And a good reminder from Kelvin today was - Things done for self satisfaction will fade away, but things done for Christ will last.

Are we/Am I making a lasting impact, or a fading effect on this earth?

2009-10-03T21:39:00.003+08:00

I'm tired, but I'm just gonna keep walking with You...

Footprints in the sand - Leona Lewis

2009-10-02T18:07:00.002+08:00

" I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. SO when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep."

John 10: 11-13

I m beginning to understand what Ps Ryan meant when he said setting aside self preferences, for His kingdom. It's another aspect of laying down our life for the people. I'm also beginning to feel the tugging even more when i need to choose against my will/preference.

I do cry, i do struggle, even for the tiniest of decisions. I dont know whether the choices i made were just to meet ppl's expectations, or is it a decision tht i made it from my heart. I cry when i fail. I cry when i have to give up. I cry when ppl hint to me tht i shud make my priorities right. How much is enough? To what extent that this is required of me?

I dont want to do what i do just to meet up ppl's expectations. But where do i start?

So do i start from love? but it takes time!

but there's no time to waste. The 'wolf' is out there , roaming, and he's moving faster than us.

I dont want to stand before God, and account to Him tht because of my own preferences, i have neglected this this this..

I dont want to be a hired man, tht does the work of God for the sake of His blessings.

"So what can i say
What can i do
But to offer this heart of mine, completely to you."

2009-09-28T11:37:00.002+08:00

ah...decided to stay home.

Woke up relatively late, and then found ants parading around and ON my bed. So, decided to have a quick spring clean just to clear the room , and hopefully to find the home base of the ants.

Nope..couldnt find.

Then i went to the bathroom, more ants.
....to the kitchen, more MORE ants.

Joab said i can open an ant lab already. anyone would like to fund me?

=.=

After cleaning a bit here and there , and to shower (hopefully to wash off any ants on my body), i decided to stay home and do write up.

I officially have less than one month.

hoorah!

on a brighter note, CONGRATULATIONS to Ian and Ivy!! =) Your union is a masterpiece of God! Definitely one of the most enjoyable weddings i've ever been to.

2009-09-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

Now i know why we were meant to eat in Nandos despite the rain...

so that we could witness this beauty!!!!!

I've never seen such a bright rainbow before!!

Rainbows only appear when skies are gloomy.
Two thoughts:
1) our true colours show when we are at our gloomiest.
2) God's promises are the brightesdt when things seem gloomy.

So if ur day is gloomy, allow the rainbow to show its beautiful colour =)

...the rainbow in the sky to show God's promises are true.

2009-09-23T11:53:00.003+08:00

At tht moment, i really wanted to find a hole to hide myself. It was humiliating, embarassing.

How many more humble pies would i need to swallow?!?!??!?!
How many more STUPID mistakes will i make to make one thing right?

i've literally lost almost all my self confidence.

Even with wat i m good at, i m not so sure whether am i good at it anymore.

How broken do u want me to be?

2009-09-16T18:36:00.003+08:00

Something doesn't make sense in this picture. Can YOU point it out?? =p hahaha...

finally found these pictures in my photobucket. i thought i lost them.

2009-09-12T21:21:00.002+08:00

My heart aches when i know someone is gradually straying away. I don't know what would be the right question to ask, or the right words to speak, cuz i don't have the right to speak into his/her life. All i could utter was : 'okaye, up to you'.

It's a slow fade...

Been slightly discouraged this week by what was spoken or hinted. Actually, sort of guessed it was coming, knowing my progress and performance. And the gently poke from God saying : 'rely on Me. Don't do it with ur own strength.'

I don't know how to differentiate between own strength and relying on Him anymore.

'halo ar Jane, this is bad!'

I get envious of ppl who has the 'gift' of turning almost everything they touch into gold. I meant it figuratively of course. Not to say they don't work hard for it. A lot of us work hard too, but sometimes even with the same effort, we may not get the same result. Maybe i m just using tht as an excuse. maybe i *think* i work as hard, but in actual fact no.

I ain't giving up. God encouraged me yesterday by just showing me 1 sec glimpse of His glory. it's really a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of a tip of an iceberg. At the same time, Ps Brandon paused in the middle of his prayer, and the moment was such a holy moment. I knew, God is with me. He is. He will not leave me nor forsake me.

Swee reminded me that at the end of the day, success is not determined by external achievements, but it is determined by our character, whether did we learn perseverence when pressure increases, whether did we have patience when everything seems to fail, whether did we increase our reliance on Him when we meet our dead end, and so on.. Did we 'successfully' allow God to refine our character thru the process of striving for something? Ultimately, character is what will last, not the externals. So whether i obtain this or that, tht's secondary.

What a revelation! At least it clears my question about how to rely on God. =p i deserve a whack.

2009-09-09T22:14:00.002+08:00

You said : "I'll never let you go"
that made me smile unknowingly.. =)

2009-09-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

I listened to my own conversation with ppl, and i thought..

'wow Jane, you have become so negative and judgemental'

Yeah, i have. My habit of being positive somehow is being taken over by negativity. It's yucks. I don;t like it, yet i dont know why i have conformed to such attitude. =/ what makes it worst is tht i judge not only myself, but i'm beginning to judge other ppl too quickly, too often as well.

A shift of mindset is needed to be done before i become a monster.

2009-09-02T08:02:00.000+08:00

On my knees - Jaci Velasquez

There are days when I feel
The best of me is ready to begin.
Then therere days when I feel
Im letting go and soaring on the wind.
cause Ive learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
When Im on my knees.

I can be in a crowd
Or by myself, in almost anywhere
When I feel theres a need
To talk with god; he is our emmanuel.
When I close my eyes no darkness there,
Theres only light.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When Im on my knees.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I dont know how, but theres powr
When Im on my oh, when Im on my,
When Im on my knees.

2009-08-27T21:29:00.002+08:00

Joke of the day (from msia):

Jane : (stares at a car sticker infront) huh? Press for freedom??
Tian Xiong: Yeah, the car sticker says 'press for freedom'.
Jane: Press what? press what for freedom? it didn't say.
Tian Xiong: *burst out laughing* It's like 'push to open', and u are asking 'push what?'
Jane: OH..now i get it. =.=

ta-da..

it must have been the fastest 5 days i have ever felt.
When i woke up this morning, it felt as though i had a long dream.. a long sweet dream.

HOme was great. no other words to describe.
the fellowship, the fun, the food.
and of course, the usual lame jokes tht gets us going all the time.
Our usual food time, lepak-ing from one restaurant to another, thinking of ways to get 'free' meal (which we did!), etc..

the meet up with Iris and Si Qin was refreshing too! (not to mention a treat from them =p)
Just the expression from Si Qin's surprised reaction was good enough to make my surprised visit worth it. ahhaha..
Coffee always brings our inner thoughts out aye?
Though we don't serve in the same ministry anymore, yet God is evidently working in our individual lives in a unique way. Iris being the youth advisor , and Si Qin being the prayer warrior for her church. It's good.
What made it even more special is tht we bear each other's burden. Never alone.
And not to mention sometimes with our girly conversations added.

Now, back from holiday. It's not really a long way more to finish but i have lots more to do. So , pressing on!

I will see all of u again. Please take care! =)

2009-08-20T23:39:00.003+08:00

I wonder..

what's the definition of 'commitment'?
If we truly know what it means to commit, we won't give it up when the rubber hits the road.

I'm just disappointed about things tht has been happening to ppl. I know stuff happens, but i didnt quite see this coming. I m at lost for words of comfort. I feel helpless when i know there's nothing much that can be done.

Will my view of things/ppl change? it may. it may not. i guess it depends. No matter how hard i try to be non-bias, i can't help but have a different view from now onwards.

Well, to be divine is God, to err is human.
We make mistakes.

...somehow i don't think tht's a valid excuse. hrm.

2009-08-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

nyeks.

I so missed the deadline to apply for graduation. hrm.
My fault for not taking note of the date.

ah well... look on the bright side. i save money. =p
the bad side would be, i missed the chance to experience graduation in clayton campus. hrm.

suan le ba.

2009-08-15T22:33:00.002+08:00

I feel refreshed. God's divine appointment is always... timely.

My short city trip became a long one.
It was supposed to be a short catch up with ann nyee and Jovial. But plans changed.
Ann Nyee was mentioning that she's going to church, and she asked whether do i wanna come along.
I've always wanted to visit Richmond AOG (or now known as Bridge Church), but never got the chance to cuz its in the city, and Ann Nyee always attend the sunday service, so i couldnt go with her.
and today, of all days, she told me her CG and a few others are visiting the saturday service.
So..my once in a blue moon chance! hhaha..=)

I had a great time! Got to meet really cool people (and musicians) whom i could click with so easily. Joined them for dinner and dessert and it was just a good time for me to chill and share (yes, and i didnt know there's such thing as Art therapy). =p Plus, i got to hear a great testimony from the person who drove me home.

Good escapism break aye?

Thanks Ann Nyee, and Calvin , for introducing ur great bunch of ppl to me. I had fun. Reminds me of CC days. Ann Nyee and JOvial, if u guys are reading this, i was encouraged by ur sharing today. Two awesome CG leaders with great passion for God. keep it up girls! =)

Had some afterthoughts, and what if(s). but i guess God has His own reasons and timing for things. I believe that i am where i am is not by accident, but for a purpose. So i m grateful to be where i am now. =p

ahh..i shud stop taking breaks. like seriously. Work's undone.

2009-08-14T21:14:00.004+08:00

Argh!

i m losing patience. or already lost it.
Sorry, if i sound mean or too straight forward. but i have no more patience to come down to ur level and layan nonsense at this time.

urgh. does it spell 'bully me' on my fore head?!?!?

maybe i shall learn to ignore to safeguard myself from being a monster and say things i regret later.

*runs to hiding place*

bye.

2009-08-13T23:18:00.003+08:00

GOd is So good.

I think today is one of those days where I m left in awe of what has happened throughout the day.

Day ended pretty well with LifeGroup. As i reflected on this whole year and the people that are with us today, i cannot boast that it is the work of our hands, because its so clear tht it is God's hand at work. How God promotes growth, not only in quantity, but in quality. Ppl get saved, ppl are getting hungrier for more of Him, to know His word more, ppl are starting to catch the vision, ppl are starting to reach out, ppl are starting to take on more roles, ppl are having breakthroughs, ppl are getting answers from God, etc..

i mean, wow! Man definitely cant bring such conviction, only God can.

Only God.

And truly, this Sci/Arts LG belongs to Him. When He is in control, He will do great and mighty things through this group.

And God just reminded me of my prayer to Him once, and He just said : "Jane, open ur eyes and look, u r *in* it now. There's more, and for you to see/experience more, our intimacy needs to grow even more, so that you will have the capacity to do even more for me."

The two words for this week, are 'more' and 'intimacy'.

Yes, the song 'more to see' was stuck in my head for the whole of yday. =p

SO yesh. =) Find us faithful, o Lord.

2009-08-12T21:00:00.003+08:00

I dont know whether is it a good thing that i am shifting from a 'Barnabas' to a 'Paul'.

Lately, i realise can't tolerate any nonsense/immaturity anymore. I dont have the patience to go to the level where it requires me to tolerate all these things. When i want something done, i no longer want to ask in a butter-up way, but get straight to the point. yes or no. No maybe.

Probably tht's why i get frustrated with myself quite easily lately cuz i tend to be a 'maybe' person.

I m turning into a task oriented person. a 'dont-give-me-nonsense-answer' person. I m losing patience from trying to understand people's point of view and comfort myself tht maybe they are having a hard time thus not being able to do this this this.

I m turning from 'oh its okaye..if u cant do it, i'll do it for u' to 'i need this by next week pls, thank u'.

and, 'if i can do it, why can't u?'

Ah Jane...where's ur lovE?

Hrm. i've got the pencil but i dont know to draw the line between the two.

in times like these, i always thank God for my shepherd, a leader of mine, and my best friend, who acts as my conscience and to keep me sane. =)

On another note,

To tht special someone who's flying off to USA tmr night,
Thanks for calling me to have a short chat a night before ur flight.
Thanks for hearing me tho i know i shud ask u 'how are u feeling'.
Thanks for missing me =p

I know this is quite duh as i m not there to see u off also, but i will miss u!
Take care,and have the time of ur life..but also rmbr the promise u made to me =0) i will always remind u.

Be good, be beautiful, and smile =)

Wishin u all the best, and whenevr u r down, rmbr, God is with u, all the time. call to Him, and He will answer u =0)

p/s: i hope to go to USA to find u one day.

Psssst.. i m waiting for a time where we can be as silly as we want again. So, make sure u take care of urself! i dont care. =p

2009-08-11T23:20:00.002+08:00

Learning to be secure in God, will ultimately lead to being secure in self.
Cliche as a theory, but tough as a hands on.

To be able to be confident while waiting and not take things into our own hands,
tht's security.
To be able to rest in the Lord when things doesn't seem right,
tht's security.
To be able to release and not take it back in our own ways,
tht's security.
To be able to say 'God i trust You', and be joyful in circumstances,
tht's security.
To be able to be open, and not be selfish,
tht's security.
To be able to give, and not expecting anything in return,
tht's security.
To be able to hold back, and not do something out of God's timing,
tht's security.
To be able to wait, and not cheapen the process by trying to solve the problem,
tht's security.

As i continue to see, read , and hear about 'it/them' , my human nature screams for a reaction.
My human nature screams why am i not doing something about it.
..or why am i allowing others to go ahead, but not myself?
..or why am i the only one that needs to restrain while others don't need to?

Clearly because, God told me not to.

Lesson 101 on security: -
Be secure in God and believe He will make your path straight, not by human effort, but by His divine timing & power.

2009-08-05T22:50:00.001+08:00

on a random note....

i feel like having curls again... hrm.