casting down footprints in this world, and not looking back to regret the path made. A simple girl, yet a masterpiece carved by the hands of her master above.
loves da bible, running my fingers on a keyboard, listening to music, talking, eating, gazing at nature's beauty. Feels smitten easily just by lying under coverage of stars, staring at them.
journey written down here may have it ups and downs, but let it be a blessing to u =) hop on long enough, and u will see the happy ever after ending with my master above. =)
This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I had a slight teeny road accident today on the way back from uni. Its my first accident that involved moving cars. Before this, all my past accidents involves me hitting a stationary object.
My car kissed a kancil's bum. its totally my fault, i admit. If u wanna know wat fault i did, just ask me personally.
BUT..
I wanna praise God tht eventhough the *BANG* seems pretty loud and serious to me, no damage was done to both of our cars. The young fella came down, checked his car bum, press press a bit, then signal to me its okaye. I sat in the car, stunned, donno wat to do other than signalling to him tht i m really sorry.
Then his friend came down, also another young fella, press press the car, and then also went in.
I was afraid. just stayed in my car, didnt even wanna check my car.
But thank God for His protection. Thank God i did not have to pay extra for damages, etc... Thank God. Thank God for my parents who didnt shout at me, but instead just reminded me tht i need to drive safe next time.
I learnt my lesson tht to be a good driver..just drive, and dont do anything else.
Sorry for the boring starting statement, i really cant think of anything funky to put. well well.. I WAS semi-excited to go for class, but i guess the dreading part took most of my excitement away.
dreading NOT because of classes and all.. dreading because i know memories will come back to me. *sings Celine Dion's song* "Its all coming back to mE Now~~~~"
Well, true. I came early to school today, parked my car. Went straight to the cafeteria today,and just found a spot to sit. Brought my book to read. Received a sms from Yi Mei saying tht she's in Com lab now..so i went to the library to cari her. I was stunned when i first entered the library. First, the 'loan' counter looked almost exactly like the one in hargreave library. secondly, the way they placed the computers is almost a carbon copy of hargreave library!
Memories started to floood in. The fact that i WONT be seeing the usual faces around, no more CG lunch, or NO more Evax lunch, no more lunch with sook wai, quek, rachel, etc.. It really sinked in DEEP.
I quicky brushed off tht thought, and went to look for yi mei and yi peng. bumped into chee yen which i ahve not seen in ages. ahhaha... Saw hwee Jian, Gwen, Shen, Felicia, etc.... Well, meeting them again helped me to go thru the day.
Then went for my first class. I have to admit tht the condition of the lecture hall has improved tremendously, compared to the old sunway campus. no more stadium benches kinda style. Its bigger, and more comfy now. And the lecturer has a standing mic now, instead of the wireless mic which a lot of lecturers dont really know how to use.
After tht, met up with Ellie for short lunch. Its good catching up with her , eventhough it might be short. Had pau and bun for lunch. reminded me of grain express.
I went back to the com lab again, and i really wanted to cry when i see the similarity with clayton campus again. i went online, hoping i could see some of my aus friend.. Thank God for sook wai.
Then i had another class.
Well, this time is no more emotional 'pain', but physical pain. I had a terrible stomach cramp. Yes, its the once-in-a-month thingy. And i had a 3 hours lab tht i needed to attend. walked halfway, i couldnt walk anymore. If i had walked any steps further, i think i will blackout. So, i missed my first 3 hours lab. Contacted Hwee Jian, and told her my condition. Well, thank God for her as she managed to slot me into a lab group, and also there wasnt any attendance taken today.
I wanted to drive home. But i couldnt. I tried walking to the carpark. But i turned back to the cafeteria. I just couldnt walk further. the pain was just too excruciating. I hadnt had cramps for 6 months thruout my time in australia. So yeah, to make things worse, i really wished i was back there.
Called Aunty Yoke Ying who stays nearby, to ask her a favour whether i could rest at her place So she came and fetched me. Thank God for her. I slept for 5 hours in her house. Then i went back to monash, took my car, and drove home.
As i was driving home, i really want to cry. I want to have a GOOD cry. For once i dont mind having a traffic congestion as i wanted to be alone.
But i couldnt cry. I dont know why. I couldnt.
I had a 'debate' with God as to why didnt He answer my prayer when i asked for instant healing on my stomach. Was there a reason to miss the lab? Or should i have waited for a few mins before calling aunty Yoke Ying? I dont know. But i know He has His reason. I just dunno what.
I didnt wanna socialise with anyone today, or go thru tht, 'hi , i am jane, and u are?' not today, just not today. i wanted to go home asap.
I m sorry if i have been mooody today, or sort of 'ignored' anyone. I tried my best not to. but if i still deem to be a lil ignorant, well, forgive me.
Yet, despite all these, I know tht this is the day tht the Lord has made, and i shall rejoice and be glad in it. Not exactly the thing i wanna do, but i will. There's no such thing as 'bad day', or 'sui day' Its how we perceived it.
While i was showering, my itunes played: "I've got the joy I've got the peace of mind I've got the faith in the holy Ghost tht fills me everyday I've got the life I've got the melody I've got the Word, the Word of God, tht sets me free'.
Tht is my favourite fast song. And He just reminded me of the joy tht surpasses all circumstances. I've got the joy!
Then another song came to mind.. "Yet will i prase Thee I lift my hands and sing yet will i praise Thee I will bow before the king and praise Thee Give to You my everything I lift up my hands to You Yet will i praise Thee."
Yup...I will praise Thee despite my location, despite my condition. He is the GOOD shepherd, not a CRUEL shepherd. He will never leave me alone. Even if I m meant to stay here for good, He is the GOOD shepherd He will NOT leave ME ALONE!
Ooooppss....! wrong picture! my bad my bad.. SO clumsy of me.
ahh...correcto!
hahahhahaha...!! My dear Kanga....i mean Yeong Ru, u r 22 years OLD already. being a 22 years OLD laidee, u have become wiser. if u hadnt do the math, 22 years OLD is one year OLDer than 21 years OLD.. no more hopping around when u r 22 years OLD u know. u also need to be aware tht 22 years OLD is just 3 years away from being a quarter of the century OLD. When u r 22, u have the ability to write double 2(s) when filling up forms. All of the 'sevonders' (including me..hahahahha!~) are still 21 years OLD, but u have the privilege to be the first to turn 22 years OLD. So....consider it an honour to be among the first who just turn 22 years OLD. I wanna wish u all da best as u venture into ur 22nd year of life, may you never stop being u. May God bless you abundantly in ur 22nd year of life!
lastly...if u didnt manage to read between the lines......
I WILL NOT DISQUALIFY MYSELF FROM THE ETERNAL REWARDS JUST BECAUSE OF ANGER and SELF DESIRE!
I tot i have settled the anger within me, but it kinda came back to me during pm. I felt weird, but i entertained the thought. The more i thought about it, the more angry i became. The more i thought about it, the more i thought i have the right to be angry, and NOT forgive.
Then, i came back to my senses. If i continue thinking i have the 'right', i will never be truly right before God. Its not worth it. And so, thank God for His grace to pull me back and say 'hey, i have forgiven u, why cant u do the same to them?'
As for self desire..haih... Its terrible to be torn apart between two. And yet, not knowing whether is my desire aligned with His, it's kinda hard at this point, to be clear of my decision. Though i may not need to settle it now, but if i dont, i know i will ALWAYS be in this ding dong whenever ppl places their opinion upon my life. I respect their opinions of course, because it is from men and women of God. But if its aligned, it cant differ from one another, right? right?
*cough cough* i think i swallowed some hair while eating mango-loh just now..*COUGH*
Anyway, today marked my last CG meeting in Cana group..will be moving on to a different CG the following week. Bitter sweet feeling, but God knows best. =)
Uncle nick talked about running the race, the Amazing Race. Then he continued saying that we all need amazing grace to run the amazing race tht God has set apart for us.
Then it dawned upon me. Probably a revelation. Whats the difference between amazing grace and amazing race?
Bingo! the spelling!
Amazing Grace has an extra G infront of Race. And tht G represents God.
We need God to run the race. and God gives grace. G + race = Grace
We need God to in our Amazing Race, because He provides Amazing G-race!
Ooo....i received a Valentine's day Ecard!! my first time! Thanks chiann! ahahha.yes, its from a girl. bleh. =p
I just realised tmr is Vday..and since i might not have time to blog tmr...so... Happy Vday everyone! If u are attached, may u have a great time with tht special someone. If u are single, may u have a great time spending with all ur single friends!hahahah..
two years ago,a few of us went to swenson to have ice cream after sending li shawn off to NZ. It was a tuesday, and we thought earthquake would be half price. Little did we know tht swenson dont offer half price for earthquake on a special occassion, and tht day was Vday. So no choice la, pay full price. WE were all surrounded by couples, but nevertheless, we had fun!
Then last year, my Vday was spent in Campus City (or now known as U movement) . We had Unplugged Valentines and Ellie and i were involved in coordinating the programme. If i m not mistaken, that day, i had a huge swollen left cheek because of the wisdom tooth extraction. yeah, so the whole Vday was concentrated on the Unplugged nite, and the pain on my cheek. But it was all goood..ehehhehe... i had fun listening to all the love song being sung and played. =p
Time flies, and tmr is Vday again. And..will be spending it with a few of my friends again. =) and nite time wil probably be with my parents.A big shining lamp post. hahahahhaha!
~me~ at 6:09 PM Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
As promised...
Yup, introducing BABOON who wants to be ratatouille which failed MISERABLY! hey! it even rhymes! =p
Anyway, yeah, this post is dedicated to mister calvin woon. Promised him long long time ago tht i will post this up, so ta-da! haha..u r in the plane right now even as i type this out. It was my second time sending u off, but this time, its to clayton. Very different atmosphere i would say, compared to the time where we sent u off in melbourne. Today, there wasnt an awkward silence, but it was fun catching up and bearing all ur nonsense. Things will definitely be quieter here with ur absence, but i know you will have another wonderful season in melbourne. Even as u go back to CG, have ur reunion with ur fellow monkee, continue ur semester,etc... Keep pressing on and keep striving to be whom God wants you to be. Continue to expand and explore on ur giftings, and i look forward to hear testimonies from u every now and then. Be good, spread the spark, and thank you for being you!
~me~ at 9:50 PM Comments-[ comments.]
I m very sleepy and tired, but i just wanna quickly blog this up. so forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
Came back 45 mins ago from meeting with Iris and Ivy, and i m so glad we had the meet up. Though halfway, i have to admit i felt really sleepy, but it was all worth it.
I had the privilege to hear their experience with dealings with ppl, and not any ordinary ones, but ppl tht are difficult to deal with. As i hear them, i think what i m experiencing now its only the tip of their iceberg. Its amazing how they persevere despite the discouragement, and the frustrations they faced, and how fruitless it may seem at times.
As i listened on, i m convicted tht when we shepherd/disciple someone, it is not a job, a task, or a duty. Its about lives. So many a times, i charge in thinking its a job, or my self achievement. But lives are involve. Its not about me, its about lives!
As they kept sharing, the more i felt tht i m not ready. As Ivy shared about her experience about staying up till 5 am to make sure her friend is okaye, really touched my heart. yet again, it scared me cuz would i have done the same thing if i was in her shoe? Will i do tht if i was in her position? My head would say yes, but its not THAT easy if it really comes to me.
As the sharing continues, we talked about the difficulties we faced as a christian. But at the end of it, the outcome was tht we are never alone, and we have God on our side. Our part, is to be faithful, to make effort to draw close to Him, cuz God has made the first step to draw close to us by giving His son to us. The race has started, but we have to finish the race well.
I thought about my area of discipleship. And again, God reminded me its all about lives. I cant rush. I cant just simply bang everything and let it be, thinking tht i have my job done. I cant. It involves building of lives..LIVES! not money, or projects, but LIVES! It scares me, cuz i m responsible. What i do now, would determine how i answer the Almighty God when He ask me in future about how i have handled the lives that He has entrusted me with.
And to start building other lives, i have to build my OWN lives first. And tht's another responsibiliy on my own life. If i want those under me to have a constant quiet time with GOd, i NEED to have tht constant quiet time. If i desire to see them lead a group, i myself need to be a leader. If i wanna see them being organised, i NEED to be organised. If i want them to excel in their studies, i NEED to excel. As i think about it, wow, there's a lot of housekeeping to be done in my life, like how Iris described it. I cant even settle my own life, what qualifies me to build other lives?
Talking about lives, we talked about lives of pre-believers. Their lives are somewhat our responsibility as well. God placed them in our lives for a reason, not just merely for our pleasure. I felt even more burdened for them as i thought about their eternal future if they do not have Jesus in their life. The more i think about it, the more urgent it became. There's not much time left, but there are so many to save. And what are we as christians doing?? I was just at lost. I duno where to start. I dono wat to do. Prayer of 'opportunity' suddenly became quite scary, cuz u wouldnt know how God provide the opportunity. I felt small. How to save? i cant even save one life, dont talk about the generation!
Its quite easy to give up, and say 'Lord, its too big a task, find someone else.' But by saying tht, i m robbing myself from the blessings tht God has in stored for me, and experiencing His power. No, i dont wanna be missed out. I dont wanna settle for good, but only the best. I don wanna face the regret tht i would feel when God reveals the blessings that i WOULD have received IF i have obeyed Him. No..tht's eternal regret! no~~
As I reflect my past, i know i have done very little impact on ppl. I regret the times where i didnt do more. I regret the times where i took lives of pre-believers so lightly. I regret taking ppl for granted. I regret giving attention to petty things. But regrets are not meant to stay. Philippians states to forget what is behind, and strain forward for the things ahead. we learn lo, from our mistakes, and its the present and future tht matters now.
At the end of the day, i want to hear the seven words from God - "well done, my good and faithful servant." At the end of the day, i want my name to be in the book of life. At the end of the day, i want to see ALL my friends in heaven, with me.
So, its not a job, its not a task. ITs all about lives!
By having this in mind, prayer comes in as a weapon against the attack of the evil one, and discouragement. Prayer is a weapon, its not a backup plan. Its plan A, not plan B. Weapon its not meant to be a backup plan. It is what we use to attack. Everything needs to be built on prayer if we want to be successful. I m guilty of puttin prayer as my last resort most of the time. Its time to reverse tht and putting prayer as the first plan. This revelation really changed my perspective. I know its something quite cliche, and something tht should grasp me long time ago, but i know i have diluted the power of prayer with my mindset so many times. I pray, but many a times, was without expectancy. Even when it was with expectancy, it was my own desire, my own thinking of expectancy. This weapon its not to be diluted!
Wow.. there's so much to be done, but one thing for sure, i m not alone. Its a partnership. ITs me doing my part, God doing His part. If i dont do my part, it wont be complete. WEll, He has the power to come down and save everyone without us, but He wants to have a partnership with us.
Okaye, i shud sleep now.
But if u got tired and didnt get my point after all my ramblings, i hope u can get one thing...
SEE u in a month's time , john. BE GOOD! (tho i know u cant see this..but yeah..*Shouts "BE GOOD!!* )
I will miss u!
CNY has been good so far. i never knew i missed them so much till we had CNY reunion dinner. IT's only once in a year, yet it is very fulfilling whenever we meet up. This year, reunion dinner was at my place. We had steamboat, and also a few dishes, and dessert, and fruits, etc.... yesh...u will probably go - "jane! eat so much again ar?"
BLeh! its CNY! ITs the time of the year where u dont need to feel guilty by consuming so much food. hahahhaa..
i have some pictures, so i will explain how i spent it along with the pictures. This was first day of CNY, in Aunt angie's place. ahha..as u can see...we were REeeeLaXiiing~~~~
then we got bored, and started playing yahoo pool. hahha..yesh..brother attempting to 'aim' properly by using the pen.
my adorable cousin. ehhehehhee...as my uncle would say, he looks like djokovic, and also the small kid tht acted in CJ7. hehhehehe...
meet his brother.
then we had dinner (prepared by aunt angie) infront of the TV.
still camwhoring...
ths must have family photo for every CNY. Except this time, my brother left his hair behind. poor fella.
So, after dinner-ing in aunt's place, we decided to go for a late night movie. This is our first time going out as cousins for a lte night movie. how cool is tht? And i didnt have to drive!
OH OH ..(i got permission from brother to put this up)
Presenting to u , the latest HOT CNY MTV!!! Featuring...JOhn Loke!!
i just realised tht mid feb is almost here. which also means...
class is starting soon!
CHoosing to think positive, i'm looking fwd for my semester to start. Maybe because i want to be busy so that i have less time to be nostalgic , or whatever.
I know i gave myself one week, and tht one week has gone. I m glad to say tht i have moved on, and making more effort to adjust myself even more. I would be lying if i said tht i dont think or reminisce about my exchange duration, cuz i still do, very much actually. its just tht most of the time, i have to refrain myself from expressing it too much, because it might deem to be a lil boring or irritating to others. I dont blame them because they dont share the same experience tht i had, and probably wouldnt understand fully, unless they were with me.
After this CNY holiday, everything will be back to work mode. Well, for my brother, he will go back to NS for another month this sunday afternoon, which i kinda dread. I'll miss him so much, and he's probably one of the VERY few who would listen to my experiences and stories very patiently with enthusiasm.He has a genuine heart to listen to what i have to say. He is also probably one of the very few who would entertain my lameness. I always wanted a older brother. But, John functions as an older brother to me some times, though he is younger. He would reprimand me when i deserve it, and also look out for me when i need it.
Thank God for such a wonderful brother. This is definitely a living proof of the sentence "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
I will miss him.
As for me, there are things for me to look into , and to consider. Work needs to be done..i think it has been too long tht i wait for things to happen. Its time to make things happen.
I think my openness and transparency might have gotten me into trouble. Probably i didnt handle it well, maybe. i dont know. =/
on a different note, it still amazes me how ppl can change their perception so quick.
before.... "eh...when u go over there ar...pls put on weight"
After ... (this was when i took a french fry and swiped it with ice cream, and ate it) "aiyoh...eat like tht, no wonder u gain weight la.."
So.. being thin -> shoot. being fat - > also shoot.
....and we wonder why we have aneroxic cases.
to set the record straight, the fry+ice cream thing wasnt new, and ppl have seen me done it b4. but why the comment after? This also got comment, tht also got comment.
I think i had enough of comments about my image. give me a break.
It has been a week filled with meetin up with ppl. hehehhe...
Firstly, on monday, the day i got back, met up with a handful of the clayton group. hahahha..yeah, just got back from clayton, and my first agenda was to meet them. hahaha..how ironic.
Then, on tuesday, met up with monash msia coursemate. it was pretty interesting as almost eveyrone came in pairs. LOL. i didnt had a partner tho, but still had quite some fun catching up. (picture courtesy by sook wai)
on wednesday, it was prayer meeting nite. My first step into church in 2008, and wala...the welcoming sentence --> "Da gal is back!" also played during prayer meeting cuz last min no musician. hahahaha...but it was fun. i miss playing in church.
on thursday, met up with megan, and brought her to U movement (formerly known as Campus City Ministry). The first person i saw was tracy! hahaha.i think she couldnt recognise me cuz she only shouted my name after her second look. hahahha... And the worship team gave me a welcoming song by playing some jungle song. (very funny guys..) They also asked me "eh? neva bring back an aussie guy ar?" I pointed at megan and told them: "no guy, but i brought a girl back." hahahahha!!! Sorry megan. Oh oh ..and we had lunch in my all time favourite subang canteen -- > Cabana. (auunty cabana, u see, free advertisement).
On friday, didnt go to Cana CG cuz it was canceled, so i went to Emmaus CG instead. Aunty suat ling was so surprised to see me there.
"EH Jane! U are back!! since when?"
i just lurve giving surprises. =p
On saturday, after meeting up with calvin and jonathan, went to Yuen Steamboat with BBK youth. Its been a long time since i had steamboat. Am so glad i managed to reach there without getting lost. =p yipee for me!
Then li shawn stayed over at my place, and followed me to church the next day =)
Sunday came, and i went to church. Was really proud of the sunday school worship team! they improved so much, and i think they have surpassed me already =) Good! Church service was great. Everything and everyone improved lots. hahaha...comments made to me were pretty 'fattening', but its okaye. lol...used to it already.
Monday, which is today came. Picked Ian up from bangsar bus station, together with yi mei and yi peng. it was good catching up with them, tho most of the time was spent in the car. and yes, he got to the airport in ONE piece. Dont doubt my driving okaye. =p and as usual, camwhore in the car during the traffic congestion in USJ. (thanks to ellie and sook wai for the car camwhore idea)
Then, met up with my high school (SMK TAMAN SEA rawks!) buddies in mamak, and i had a good time catching up with them. ITs been a long time since we done tht huh? (li shawn, i want pictures! ahhaha..)
Yup...so my one week is kinda up. NO mattter wat, i still miss u guys back in clayton. though life goes on, and we maybe be busy.. But i will always miss all of u..this u can be sure. Though in future i may not have the time to reply or write emails, or timing doesnt allow us to communicate thru msn, etc... Always remember tht I DO MISS ALL OF U , and hold ALL OF U dearly to my heart. Pls dont EVER doubt tht.
my new table cum shelf just arrived 2 hours ago!! wheE!! my room is no longer table-less! woohooo~~ *dances*
Its sunday today. Last week, at this hour, i was eating dinner togther with a group of friends, and watching tennis, in a different country. One week, just like tht. and my 'recovery' time tht i allowed myself to have will be up tmr.
Adjusting and settling in was harder than i expected, more so adjusting back to my OWN country. Weird. One of my leaders commented tht i seemed distant. Hmm...Well, i cant explain tht. I tried my best to present and integrate myself well. I would like to think tht i have become a better jane, and i hope tht isnt my own boost talk. But hmm..somehow, it felt..different. Its not a bad thing, or a good thing. It's just...different. I felt different.
It felt as though i have been away for a very long time, and i wasnt the only one who had tht feeling. So much so that ppl tht was once close to me , seemed to be a lil distant from me now. ...and yeah, tht's the part where farewell(s) scares me. where friendships tht u intend to maintain doesnt seem to work out after a period of distance and time.
Oh well, the cliche saying will go "its part of life". we have to move on la. I need to move on.
I guess i have come to a point where i m so focused on completing what needs to be done,and cant wait to move on to another chapter of my life. Surroundings doesnt matter anymore, and even if i were to do it alone, i would. I just want to complete it. on the other side, i have to bear in mind tht i m dealing with lives, and its not just a 'task' or a 'job'. Its about lives.
