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- J i n G L e -
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This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it...
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Monday, October 16, 2006
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you"
- John 15:4-
God is real.
Had a dream when i took a nap today, and i cant really recall the exact thing tht happened in tht, but i woke up feeling really down. Just lay on my bed, feeling numb. Then i took my bible, just held it, and started praying. GOd showed me to JOhn 15:4, and i read the first half of John 15.
It was a bout the vine and its branches, and the significant verse was John 15:4. As i read on, the sentence 'love each other' was repeated twice. Tht made me cry even more. But after the tears, there was a sense of peace and joy in my heart, and God's soft prompting tht says 'Jane, you can.'
I cant forgive, but i know God can take that hatred away from me.
"Not by my power, or by my might, but by His spirit."
" The joy of the Lord is my strength"
Isnt GOd great? Even as we disappoint him so many times, yet His promises stands true, and He is faithful.
DIdnt had a great day, but God's joy is enough to make tht day worth living. This sentence has been in my head for weeks, and it goes :
"The stillness of God overcomes the chaos of life"
Just wanna leave tht to all my readers tonight. =)
~me~ at 1:18 AM
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Monday, October 09, 2006
another week...
"GOd's grace is sufficient for me.."
Got news from mom today during class tht my 3rd uncle passed away, due to terminal cancer in the pancreas. I was shocked as i didnt expect to be terminal, though i knew bout the cancer. I am not really tht close to him, but the reality of not seeing him during CNY, or any family reunion dinner is sinking in right now. I m disappointed at myself for not being able to even tell him bout Jesus, and now i am not going to see him anymore.
Past days werent good to start with. Though there were treasure moments during the week. Went to Ps Ryan's house for tanglung party during mooncake festival. =) i enjoyed myself to da max! Was glad tht tim and ellie could make it. I miss them so much, esp Ps Ryan! I didnt wanna leave tht place, i can just sit there and go on talking. Managed to talked to ps ryan and really, another session with him was great. His words was encouraging, and the verses he told me was appropriate. thanx pastor! =) Also to the rest who prepared the food and all, thanx for having me there, i had a terrific time. food was good! Pictures are all in Ellie's blog (fantasie.blogdrive.com).
Another highlight during the week was the Malaysian Affair by KL Young singers, held in Actor's studio, Bangsar. The way they performed in the concert was unexpected and creative. i like! i like! Went with sook wai and tim, to support sook wai's fren (Zhen Yao). Almost all the songs sang were composed locally, and by them.. Truly something tht is worth watching, and it was only RM 30! Not the normal 'oohh ahhh' kind, but just funky-groovy! Really! some lyrics just amazed me, and also the style they instil in it. Two snaps for them *snap snap*
I dont really wanna talk much about the bad side of my week, cuz i know once i start writing, it will hurt. Still keeping in mind tht this blog is for public viewing. A summary of it? Dissatisfaction, and bitterness.
Harsh words huh? Yeah..it has been weeks now. nope, no sign of reconcilation, or rather it seems to be tht 'nothing happened'. Yeah, probably its easier tht way, but not for me. I was driving back today, and flashbacks were in my mind. It really seem like a dream to me, or rather i 'woke up' from my dream. I seem to be in dreamland for one and a half year, and now i have woke up from it, and things around me seems to be repeating itself like how things were one and a half year ago. WHo to blame? Myself for being so naive to give in and keep 'dreaming' in it, thinking tht everything will turn out well, since i wasnt the one who pushed myself in, it was kinda 'given' to me. i have slowly set the momentum of being 'pushed', or getting use to the thing tht was given to me, BUT, now i am forced to give it back to the owner.
Havin tht thought, tht i was in 'this' not of my own will at first, i feel dissatisfied. What did i do to deserve this tht it has to be given and then taken back? All initiations didnt come from me, how do u expect me to forgive? No apologies heard, and even if there were, a thousand of those wouldnt heal.
Gahh..i had enough.
An interesting thought tht Ps Ryan shared with me on Friday.
U know the verse in the bible "I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me" by philippians 4:13
Many a times we take it to claim for doing mighty things, like missions, or going out to spread the word, the huge opposition we faced. yep, no doubt it applies in those situations as well.
How about our daily application?
When Paul wrote this, he went thru sufferings, persecutions, beatings, trials, rejections, etc... and He said those words.
explanation: The "all things" in the verse also includes overcoming emotions, feelings, etc..
And Paul could overcome those emo times, those times where he felt like giving up, but because of Christ's strength given to him, he can do "all things", aka, "I can overcome all things through Christ who STRENGTHENS me".
Tht's when God's strength plays its role.
And tht's why its not hardening of the heart, its strenthening.
I was praying last night about certain big decisions, and God showed me the portion on Unity in the book of Ephesians. Very ironic bout what i was gonna decide, but if it's GOd's will for me to go the other side, i will obey.
It also amazes me how God forgives us eventhough we dont deserve it at all. I really dunno how to exercise forgiveness in this issue of mine, but then i had to take a step back and say 'hey, i dont earn God's forgiveness, but He still gave it to me, so who am i to not forgive others?'
"ouch"
At this point of time, i cant. I will in future, but i cant now. No...Its just to painful. How?
and the verse came again..
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
"I can forgive through Christ who strengthens me"
oh well Jane, let God do the healing.
........God's grace is sufficient for me.......
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~me~ at 8:01 PM
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Tuesday, October 03, 2006
[read the previous post first, it was written a few days ago, but didnt post it up at that time.]
Hmm...
It sounds stupid, but i think i m having a little peer pressure.
urgh.
Hearing things experience by other people, listening to them telling happy things that happened, getting smiling faces from people around those who heard, reading blogs that talks about how rough yet smooth their journey is, and etc..
.................and u realised u really did lose something, and the probability that u would not experience that in near future, or maybe not at all.
I didnt thought it was a lost in the first place, but as the days goes by, (and its already a week and more), memories starts flashing in my head. Last time i was used to comfort myself that i will have that experience because i still have 'it', when i hear stories from other people. And now, whenever 'these stories' are being mentioned, i kinda feel i lost something.
I felt it so much today. After my 8am class, i really wanted to go home. I didnt wanna talk to anyone at all, i just didnt wanna be in class, and go through the rest of the day.
I dont know what happened to me. Probably its not peer pressure. Probably its me putting pressure on myself. I know i should be doing my bth report now, but i just cant concentrate on it. I still cannot accept the fact that "memories will still be memories". Why must it be that way? U mean all this while, i am being abused mentally?
[Can i have amnesia, Lord?]
Moving on starts with a step. The problem is, i cant even take that step, or the thing that scares me is that i DONT want to take that step. I know what step is that, but i really dont want to. Why must i be the one who takes that step? For goodness sake, it has been a week, and no progress or any movement to even reconcile this matter! I have been waiting....WHy cant it be the other way round? Is the fault all mine? No response, no nothing!
For the fact that i am still alive typing this away is GOd who is sustaining me all the way. Yup, i feel alone in this journey, but knowing God is there comforts me. Many may go through similar circumstances, but i have never met someone who went thru the exact situation.Knowing Jesus, who have walked a much tougher path than i am walking right now,and He succeeded! What a comfort to even know that He is interceding for me even right now, to keep my sanity, to sustain my feelings, to help me stay focus in Him.
Ramadan bazaar wasnt a bad idea. I did had fun eating and sweating out.
What i really want now is to lie down on an empty wide field, and glare at stars, alone, and while doing tht, i can talk to God. House is just too noisy at times. I wanna cry, sulk and also just roar out my feelings within me to Him. Even the motivation to study for my OCt finals isnt there,and i thought once i hit oct, i would be occupying my mind with exam stuff, but no~. ITs tough to even juggle these in my hands. Argh..!
Ps Ryan's message on Sunday was really timely.
The main point out of everything i heard -->My STABILITY point is the purpose that GOd had placed in me, and external factors (such as circumstances,etc..) SHOULDN'T be a factor at all in determining your destiny.
Then pastor came to me personally and prayed for me. As much as i would like to tahan my tears, i cant. And one thing he kept repeating to me was :
"This is your time for you to strengthen yourself, BUT not hardening. Remember, strengthening,and NOT hardening."
After that, pastor and daphne said something that really cause my mind to think: "Even in testings, God's intention for us is to PRODUCE. Be patient, and u will reap as you continue to trust in Him."
=) thanx pastor and daphne!
I have run out of excuse to escape from facing the reality. I know i have to face it one day, and to really deal with it. The thought of me being fully free from this issue is really vague and it doesnt seem plausible and possible. But hey, i am being reminded again that in GOd, all things ARE possible, and I am more than over-comers in Christ Jesus! Sometimes i still doubt that i will ever ever solve this issue, but i wanna give GOd a chance to work in me, and do the surgery. Just as how surgery will cause lost in blood and all, i know this will involve a lot of tears, pain and discomfort, but GOd is the doctor, and HE never fails.
Saying it is easy, but really letting go and asking GOd to work in me its a very much story. So much in me wanna still hold on to what i want, and hoping that things will be back to normal, i.e: living in denial. Plus, it adds to the pain that i will facing it probably more than twice a week. SO how? cry and sulk? or let go and let God?
As i am typing this, a lot of me saying 'iishh..i still wanna hold on! PLease bring 'it' back to me!" A lot of me... But i wanna say in confidence that 'God, u have me, and work through me".
But even as i thought i have lost something, i know i have gain a lot. Through this, so many were cheering beside me saying, 'Jane, u can do this!"
Thank you Sookie, Ellie, Jason Khong, Jason Chan, Tim, Daphne, for all the yum cha, kaki gatal , chit chatting session. I know u guys really tried your best to cheer me up, and i appreciate it.
To the CC people who know bout this, thanx for the scoldings,and also the truth that i needed to hear.
For yeong ru, my best friend, thanx for just being there, and making sure i was alright.
To Sarah, i miss you so much. I really really wish u were here with me. I know u may go through the same thing as i do, but yet u still have the strength to encourage me.
To Jaclynn, thanks for the email. I m sorry i couldnt chat with u as often, but i will reply asap.
To Siqin, my friend who is really dear to me. u called me twice! i was deeply touched! and the email, the post dedicated to me...aw! u didnt have to, but u did a lot to encourage me with ur special way.
To lisbeth , all the way from denmark, thanx for hearing me out! =)
To my mentor, pastor ryan, pastor Siew Woh, Uncle Nick, Aunty Yoke Ying,Calvin, thanx for the advices. It helps me to see things in a really diff way, and bringin me through step by step in this. Being ever so patient with me, though i have failed so many many times! =)
last but not least, my mom and dad! Instead of scolding me, u guys comforted me. I love both of u so much! Thanks for praying for me every night mom, thanx for laying hands on me and say a simple prayer for me when i ran to u with tears.. thanx dad for the cutest way u can come out with to comfort me.=) i would never exchange any parent for both of you. U guys are the best!
..................................and i will win this battle with God, devil, get away from me!
[okiess..back to work]
~me~ at 9:41 PM
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